Desire for change

e(-)motions

2011-07-29T18:34:00.001+01:00

What is it exactly that generates emotions?
What makes emotions the ruling and dictating factor of lives?
What forces the output of emotions to be the paramount purpose for existence?

So many around me exist, thrive, succeed, fail, impress – like a shooting star does when you manage to get a glimpse of its trajectory, proving true once again to our vile nature by wishing for something against the death of a star – and perish.

Complicated words, complex behaviors, convoluted texts, an overflow of facts, data, theories and opinions, beliefs and wishes, all rushing down on the sponge that is humanity, attempting to impress, to stand out with a known, planned lifespan of a glimpse.

And we absorb, all of it… so fast and so much that it is impossible to keep up with it, so we retain nothing.

I am baffled. I once dreamt of writing. I now dread the prospect of ever getting around to do it. Not because there would be no room or no point for such an action but because of the imminent oblivion.

Transient is the name of the game today, and the root source of the problem. Nothing is here to stay, so nothing is well and thoroughly done. It’s here today, was there yesterday, it will be gone tomorrow; if it reaches the sky great. If not, it falls without a marked difference; but with or without one, it will fall….

Like emotions; they come, they cause havoc, they may or may not make a difference and they disappear. And then… then they are forgotten, making space for a new set, a new cycle.

How odd…

2011-05-28T02:04:00.001+01:00

You begin…
You develop…
You dream…
You plan…
You act…
You fail…
You try again…
You fail…
You change approach…
You act…
You fail…
You try again…
You succeed…
You forgot why you tried in the first place…
You regret…
You change tack…
You act…
You fail…
You wander what’s the point…
You try again…
You succeed…
You don't care…
You keep trying…
You forget…
You keep trying…
You regret…
You keep trying…
You realize…
You accept…
You die…

A sinking feeling is filling me…

2011-04-06T01:48:00.000+01:00

As I drive into beautiful Edinburgh and make my way to the hotel, I am overwhelmed by my own thoughts…

I look around, and the city is basking under the sun; rare as it may be, it is as beautiful and breathtaking as any sunny, beach resort. The impressive, yet natural mix of medieval buildings with modern touches grasps me; sending my soul to stories of old and my mind to wanders of new…

An old man, well in his sixties is standing tall, in a kilt outside the hotel…
Every breath you take by the Police is playing on the radio; every time I listen to this song I become nostalgic and reminiscent…

I dare ask him for directions, of all things I can’t find the parking. He gently and soothingly talks to me, in a deep Scottish accent and a deep gurgling voice. I cannot but smile and think that he is a man of patience and knowledge… I feel even worse about myself, and my choices…

As I park, I wander what else I have missed; how many more opportunities have I lost, whatever other wander have I overlooked in my monotonous and limited approach to life?

A group is glancing at me, and yet again I feel my age, more cumbersome than it should, worse than it is, yet in full effect. It is not my perception that is wrong; it is my interpretation that messes the balance. They smile, and I wander if it is a pleased or a mocking smile. Dwell not; move on…

I almost have tears in my eyes. The energy of this beautiful country always gets me. And it always reminds me that I am weak and that I have lost…

I go to my hotel room. A posh, semi luxurious room, smelling nice, clean and surprisingly dry… As I look out of the window of the room, a rotten feeling, a sinking sensation of despair grasps my soul.

I am laughing as I observe the lock on the window room; apparently, under corporate social responsibility, the hotel cannot have anyone committing suicide and risking the lawsuit of a fall from an un-attending window!

I hate all, everything and above all myself. I am exactly what is wrong in this world.

Someone that knows, understands, can make a difference yet chooses to be part of the system hiding behind the pretexts of “resource” constraints, lack of ability to sustain without the system’s embrace and worse of all, someone with no faith…

I guess they were right, the window was a good idea…

once upon a time...

2011-02-27T15:43:00.001Z

Once upon a time, I had a dream… or at least I think I had one…

In fact, I am pretty sure I had many dreams…

As time passed, I struggled to realize the fact that it is extremely unhealthy to have such things. You run the risk of developing critical thinking and then you know what follows… You reject being institutionalized, you rebel, you form your own opinion, you talk back to those that know better for you than you do and other such obscene and ludicrous behaviors… And that leads to alternative behaviors, leads to stress, leads to doubts, leads to rejection and other nice fat titles…

Nonetheless, I maintained the illusion of having dreams. I opposed the notion that I would – as so many before me – fall prey to the machine and its system. I fought back! I attacked! I defended… I won a few, lost a few, but in the end, it was pretty much a draw… But as with any struggle, any fight… it is never about how good you are, how big you are, how mean you are or anything…

It’s all about how many of you are there… I found out the hard way that numbers win, not the best, not the right or righteous, not the wrong, not the good, nor the evil – there are no such things… Only numbers… She who controls the numbers controls the fate… If 1000 of you fuckers say that black is white, and 900 of them fuckers say the opposite, you will have a stand still… for a while… eventually though, the prevailing opinion will be that of the many… and then the argument will be forgotten, and you will move on… and so on… Until next time someone comes along with a new statement….

Only problem is, that I had a dream… and my dream did not want numbers nor did it entail them…it only wanted peace and quiet. Isolation. Independence. Nature. Trees. Animals. Freedom. And apparently, my dream was a threat to something. Because the effort invested to stop that dream from happening is a shock.

Nature got annihilated; freedom got suppressed and controlled with any means necessary. Independence became a trading commodity. Animals became a spectacle, killed when they dared to look back or claim their own – their habitats wiped out, their skins turned to luxury goods, their bones turned to powders for a limp dick bastard or for curing a diseased fucker, their teeth and claws symbols of virility and strength of the mighty hunter (apparently shooting an animal from 1km away with a high velocity sniper rifle is a true and mighty indication of strength and cunning) – and commercialized as soon as a hint of benefit or control via them (protecting them for example), surfaced. Isolation is either a luxury of few or a punishment of many – again, depending on what prevails at the time…

I gave up my dream. I lost it amidst the marketing campaign that surfaced, telling me that a new cause has arisen, needing my contribution… Please donate here to show your support….

Tell me, oh mighty, ruling and dominant species of the earth, dare you release a pack of wolves, a pride of lions and a couple of panthers in the midst of one of your mighty cities, take away the guns and let the score be settled fair and square?

I have a new dream now… I dream of the annihilation of the human species, the greatest of plagues and the most incurable virus of them all… But like all dreams, I am positive that it will be commercialized, exploited and twisted in its own way…

Time and time again...

2011-02-27T14:25:00.001Z

(Written in August 1999, during a lucid moment of sanity, before one of the most violent moments in my life so far that changed perceptions and repositioned several bones, feelings and opinions in a rather violent way… proposed soundtrack Pantera – Drag the Waters)

Things are repeating, in an endless loop…

Delusions…disillusions…
An endless vicious circle, than hurts the most when you fall under the fallacy of thinking and eventually believing that you escaped it…

Fear… it grasps your very soul, sucking your energy, your hopes your dreams. But you never know it is there before it is too late.

You keep things hidden for a reason, but that reason is always wrong when expressed and confronted and no matter the intention or the goal, it hurts like grasping a two edged sword… and when it is violently jerked free of your grasp, you look at the gushing cuts and the spurting blood in awe, never before realizing that pain can be so liberating…

As you leave your fading moment of connection to the living, you remember only the good things… this is why pain and death are liberating… Because like it or not, it makes you remember and think of the good things you experienced…

And here I come, demonizing your good times, your pleasant memories, your loving thoughts….

A harbinger of misery and truth, of pain and freedom… a harbinger that you though you wanted to see all your life and at the crucial moment of confrontation you are tormented from the realization and acceptance of reality….

You will suffer…. You will hurt… You will remember…. And you will cry…

All in the hope of redemption…
All in the hope of exaltation…
All in vain…

I am coming… I am furious… I am angry… I am violent… I am fair… I will hurt you only as much as you deserve, and I will receive only what you are right and deserve to dish out… I have only one message for you…

Leave… or suffer and learn. Either way… I am coming.

Are writing and typing the same?

2011-01-08T14:01:00.001Z

Type: write (something) on a typewriter or computer by pressing the keys
Write: mark (letters, words, or other symbols) on a surface, typically paper, with a pen, pencil, or similar implement

I proclaim they are not… Typing is a means, a medium to express ones view…

Writing, though, is a completely different story. Although it can serve the same purpose – and more often than not, it does – it is also a method of depositing one’s soul. Any if it is even further defined as being the writing on paper or other means based on natural origin resources, then it is a way to apportion all the sins and abuse we have inflicted.

True, you may be experiencing the same range of emotions whilst typing as you would be doing whilst writing, but when all is said and done, there is nothing but soulless characters arranged in a set way… No traces of those emotions…

Write and cry, I will see the teardrop, the spot it fell a testament of the importance and the overwhelm…
Write and smoke, I will see the residue of ashes and the impact of the smoke on the letters, the stopping of the tremor and the flow in your handwriting, the relaxation effect of the nicotine in your body and your soul…
Write and eat, I will see the testaments of your appetite, the crumbles and the spots of your gluttony…
Write and experience an orgasm, I will see the lines and the peaks, the hedonistic climax and the gradual loss of control…
Write in anger, I will see your hate in the depth of your lines, as you punish the paper instead…
Write in pain, and I will know who caused it though your pressure points and via your fainting courage whilst you transfer it on paper…

Write and I will know you, type and I will know words. Your choice!

Ludicrous

2010-11-15T13:13:00.001Z

I wish I was...

I wish my life wasn't...

I wish you weren't...

I wish I didn't wish!

Dead end...

2010-09-25T14:04:00.000+01:00

Look at me now. I am broken. Mentally and physically. But I still endure, the immense pain and pressure applied.

I spit on your dreams and principles and chose to retain my own. Filled with honor and ethics, principles that are obscure and skewed, saturated with vices and imperfections, they still remain higher and purer than yours.

You are rags; remnants of the use from a butcher attending a parturient woman, forcing a vile miscarriage and you are treated as such, day in day out. Deprived to the extreme of any meaningful aspect of life and living, mandated to live in a certain manner.

I am broken. I no longer chose to survive, not in your world. I despise you, your principles, your priorities and above all, your lies and deceptions. You dare think that I cannot see through them because I no longer choose to act against them. I cannot find peace; I now know that.

The dream is gone, fading as the time slips and drains through my fingers, agonisingly slow and granular, each grain gone a chance forgotten and an opportunity missed. I can no longer remember what I fought for. Alone, I stand and gaze around. Units in isolation look back at me, with a question, a query all over their face and deep in their eyes. Few, and far in between, as if strategically and tactically based from a master setter, purposely disrupting the flow of the trend, essentially being, and through their existence re-enforcing what they hate, by being alone.

Another dead end.

I see that; I feel the need to coil everyone around a pole of gravity… only to realise that we are firmly planted in our position, carefully weighted down with mundane and meaningless worries and constraints. Like quick sand, our trap is ingenious. We move to complain, to protest, to oppose and stand up against our demons, in an attempt to survive and escape our wrongly perceived reality. And in doing so, we further plant our selves deeper in the clutches of our trap.

A master trap.; a perverse conception of a mastermind with a planning horizon far deeper than most can even consider it exists. I feel like I am in a maze. And there is nothing worse than knowing you are in a maze; all you do then is trying to find the way out.

Bullet…

2010-08-16T19:41:00.001+01:00

I walked to the center of the square… Filled with people as usual, tourists walking around, trigger happy and full of readiness, eager not to miss a single instance of their magnificent visit to this metropolis. I still look at them in disbelief. I am still puzzled by the fact; I always hear how I am just used to it… But I never had this; I can never understand it and I can never see the joy in it. I never expected what would come next.

Right there, right in the middle of that busy square, jam packed with crowds – some deserving to live, some deserving annihilation – I stood, and I started chanted. A mystical, deep, regurgitating chant, filled with sinister messages and primordial fears. As if by instinct, the mass formed a clearance around me, continuing their business as usual. I got lost in the chanting, and I lost track of time. When I next opened up my eyes, I could feel something cold touching my forehead.

A weird creature, a mixture of human genes with those of a rat, stood in front of me pointing a gun to my forehead. I should have felt something; fear, anger, stress, panic, something. Void. Nothing. Emptiness. I stared back at him; he mumbled something that I was unable to comprehend. I continued to chant, looking back into his face. I observed a strain in his face, looked at a magnificent transformation and heard the click before I felt a cold sting on my forehead…

There and then, my problems have been resolved, as a result of upsetting an average humanoid specimen during its touristy stroll…

Left alive...

2010-03-26T11:56:00.003Z

Gushing wounds all over my body, blood dripping to a soaked ground filled with remorse, despair, anger, regret and pride...

Pain is there as well...

But no memory... as always, I am left wandering... is this my blood? I hope it is the blood of my enemies...

It turns out that it is the blood of my friends.

Doesn't say much about me; I wander if it says anything about my friends.

Was it a fight of support?
Was it a fight of dissagreement?
Was I too late?
Was I the cause?

Does it matter?

Left alone to fend for what I love and like, only to realise that I don't have something to love and cling on to other than a pair of blue rays pointed at me, defying my nature and my very existence.

Defiance... what a rare and thrilling emotion.

I will destroy everything and everyone that will come between me and my dreams...

Too bad that the only thing that is between is myself...

Soundgarden Outshined Lyrics

2010-03-26T11:51:00.002Z

Song writer Chris Cornell

I got up feeling so down
I got off being sold out
I've kept the movie rolling
But the story's getting old now

I just looked in the mirror
Things aren't looking so good
I'm looking California
And feeling Minnesota

So now you know, who gets mystified
Show me the power child
I'd like to say
That I'm down on my knees today

It gives me the butterflies
Gives me away
Till I'm up on my feet again
I'm feeling outshined

Someone let the dogs out
They'll show you where the truth is
The grass is always greener
Where the dogs are shedding

I'm feeling that I'm sober
Even though I'm drinking
I can't get any lower
Still I feel I'm sinking

So now you know who gets mystified
Show me the power child
I'd like to say
That I'm down on my knees today

It gives me the butterflies
Gives me away
Till I'm up on my feet again
I'm feeling outshined

Trees

2010-02-11T12:58:00.000Z

The wind racing through the leaves carries secrets…

The leaves store those secrets, archiving them, transforming them to dirty little bombs of fear and uncertainty and then they send them to their roots, hiding them, keeping them safe, ready to be used and passed on to whoever is willing to listen…

But trees don’t gossip, don’t blackmail, don’t sell out… they just are…

It is humans who do though; and how jealous they are that they don’t have those secrets at hand…

So they plot… they envy… they loath…

Is that why humans attack trees, I wander?

Is that why humans chop and trim and kill and maim the trees, unprovoked, full of hostility, filled with hatred and jealousy?

Is that why humans burn them alive and dead?

I guess so…

I walk through the trees, and they sing to me…

I walk through the trees and they show me what they do with the light, the soil, the water…

They let me see how they use the light, to make colours, to paint pictures, to give birth to life…

They let me climb on them, play, hide, live, asking nothing in return…

They let me take what I need from them, with no complaint or resistance, and they nurture what I took away so it will grow back again, free for me to take with respect and love…

When I stand long enough and listen closely, I can hear them cry, and I want to cry…. And I do…

I hear their stories for their friends that held little human children in their branches, nurtured them and gave them playgrounds and memories to grow up with… and I hear their tears, screams and anguish, filled with pain and terror as the same bastard child grew to be a man, a human, and armed itself with chainsaws, tractors, tools, vicious tools, designed to hurt and plunder came back to take that same tree down, taking and not giving back anything in return…

I hear and feel the pain, the resentment and the agony, accompanied with despair and futility…

And I want to kill all humans.

Rollercoaster...

2009-09-17T14:13:00.002+01:00

After the slow ascend comes the fast, thrilling decent...

After the hard, painful breakthrough comes the exhilaration and anticipation of the upcoming thrill; the upcoming excitement; the forthcoming challenge.

Change is in the air. Instincts heighten, senses sharpen, energy reserves are rallied, all for one single reason... because a synapse activated the chemical that excites and triggeres the "dare to do it..." mode.

I haven't been challenged for a while...

It's time... count down will start in T-20d...

Beauty….

2009-06-24T15:01:00.001+01:00

What is it? Who can define it? Who could ever measure it? I dare not even go there…

I strongly believe that it is something that comes from within…
Something that no matter how much effort anyone puts in it, the outcome is always the same… who and what you are cannot be hidden under layers of layers of expensive base and mascara, colours and shades of a man-made product.

Beauty is abstract to dare measure it with petty and limiting tangibles like money, like objects… I will not fall into that pitfall, there are a great many things that are stunningly beautiful and are material; but the knowledge that they were made to measure up to a tangible measurement – usually monetary value – makes them marginally interesting for me…

As beauty is abstract, as trying to frame it and justify it, explain it, is effort wasted; a vain attempt to rationalise something that is and should be taken at a personal level only with no concern as to what others make of it, so do I now try to become a part of that equation…

Because I strongly believe that to understand beauty one must venture away from it; one must stop trying to define it, seek it, capture it, represent it and one must just be.

The inexorable appetite of the flesh…

2009-05-15T16:40:00.001+01:00

It made him chase a scent across a globe and then some... He was still dreaming of the day when he would find what he was after, and finally experience completion and eventually salvation… redemption from a faith more cruel and unforgiving than the worse torment he had ever imagined; and he had imagined a lot.

Now the time had come when he was back on the chase again… He had to have flesh… and as always there was only one kind that made him move and tick. But his tick was far worse than the shake of the earthquake. The fear and the devastation that followed the victim of the quake equally and surpassingly terrifying with the thrill and adrenaline rush of experiencing it…

He pushed the drifting thoughts aside. There was a task at hand, and a pleasant one… Sitting in the centre of the metropolis, hidden away in a shady corner of a poor excuse of nutritional juices parlour – albeit truly and extensively equipped with any kind one could desire, ranging from pure extract of natural and legal resources to artificial concepts and constructs of the most illicit and perverse nature – he injected his glands in a most vulgar and ancient way with his purchase… A strong, potent chemical substance, reconstructed from an extinct species of the not-so-near past; he was sure it was a primate lizard, and he even once delved in discovering its true story, but as always his attention span and dedication only took him so far… no thrill there, but plenty in consuming, abusing it. The rush came hard, as hard as it was anticipated. He had mastered years ago not to show any expression, but he could never remember why. He was conscious though that those who knew could infer his status just by looking at his eyes… It was time. He could feel the fragments of time passing by him, gone, never to return; wasted. That infuriated him more – it did so even without the use of his much wanted and to an extend, now needed substance. He stood up forcefully, and the only reason that the stool did not go flying and crashing to a corner was the four screws that held it fast to the ground. The screws reminded him of the purpose of his visit in this place. He looked out of the window of the shop… people came and went. It was hunting time.

It took him another good hour to find something that held his look long enough to reach the precious threshold he had set… He went after her, in that short and annoying manner that he had. Fear… he knew from the past that they tasted better if they were afraid first. He figured out or imagined that it was the chemicals released from the natural reaction…

She tried to escape, unknowingly first, but as the day progressed and his presence became more and more apparent to her, more consciously and constructively… That only made him more interested. Finally, it started. She travelled from the center of the metropolis to one end and then to the other, going through all kinds of areas – almost as if trying to get him after another scent; she almost made it once or twice.

By the time she decided to walk into a retro entertainment shop, his excitement was such, that he did not pay attention where and what it was…

-o-

She figured out that the only way she could avoid today’s torment would be if she could lure someone in her stead instead. She hated it when she did that… but it was her only way out… the things that she had been through lately where by far above her pleasure line. She did enjoy a lot of pain and abuse – physical and mental – but this was fast surpassing any reasonable tolerances.

She noticed him as soon as he stood up, the glazed eyes and the penetrating look, as if constantly on the look out. He looked like a predator, and a dangerous one at it. She had seen his ilk times and times again and even had some in her wildest days. He would have to do, if only she could get him there…

Things that are dear...

2009-04-11T16:53:00.000+01:00

How much before what I know and love perishes? How long before what I hold dear is gone?
Books, stories, history, facts, reality, everyday life… full of stories that prove that what I love is going, gone, never to return, chases as unwanted.

So why linger? Why struggle in a place and a world that hates me and my kind?

No more… I’ll look back to what’s mine and mine alone, cherish it and weather with it into oblivion…

Some things are just not worth fighting for…

Κάθομαι μπροστά από μια μικρή οθόνη και πατάω κουμπάκια...

2009-01-22T13:42:00.000Z

Μετα απο πολύ καιρό έχω νεύρα... Όχι, όχι απλά νεύρα...
Μπήκα το πρωί στο γραφείο... Ένα υπερεκτιμημενο μπουρδελο γεματο πουτανες... κ ουτε καν ομορφες πουτανες... ασχημες, στριμενες αγγλιδες πουτανες, καταλευκες, γεματες τουπε και λιπος... μαζι τους κ εγω... Απο αυτες τις σαπιες που εχουν παρει μεσα τους αμετρητα χιλιομετρα απο οτι χρειαζοταν για να βαλουν σε ενα εικονικο λογαριασμο τρια μηδενικα ακομη. Απο αυτες που ειναι γεματες υφος κ ιδεα για το ατομο τους κ που προσποιουνται πως ειναι κατι παραπανω απο αυτο... απο αυτες που δεν παραδεχονται πως ειναι ακριβως αυτο, πουτανες. Απο αυτες που μισουν τις ομορφες πουτανες, αυτες που παραδεχονται τι ειναι κ πως ειναι.

Μπηκα στο μπουρδελο το πρωι, κ πανω στο κρεβατι, συγνωμη, γραφειο μου βρηκα ενα φακελο. Κοκκινο, σαν το φωτακι που εχουν τα καλα σπιτια εξω, ωστε να ξερει ο κοσμος που να παει... Κακα μαντατα, αλλα ουτε η πρωτη ουτε η τελευταια φορα ειναι... Ανοιγοντας το φακελο, διαβασα τα λογια τις αρχη τσατσας, αυτης της καρακαριολας, κοντοπιθαρης κατσαριδας που εχει να δει πουτσο στον κωλο του τουλαχιστον 1 χρονο κ αποφασισε πως ειναι αντρας κ νταβαντζης! Δυο σε ενα δηλαδη! Τα λογια της ψωλαρπαχτρας πορνης ηταν εμετικα, απαισια, ενα μειγμα ανασας σαπιας κ φορτωμενης με λογης λογης καταλοιπα απο το οργιο που της προσεφεραν οι φυλακισμενοι θανατοποινητες σαδιστες που την πηραν ως απαχαιρετιστιριο δωρο πριν την εκτελεση τους, σε μια παρτουζα πονου κ οργης.

«Αγαπητε μαλακα,

Λογο της τωρινης δυσκολιας που περναει η παγκοσμια οικονομια, αποφασισαμε πως θα σας γαμησουμε τσαμπα, και θα σας πουλαμε με την ωρα σε επιλεγμενους πελατας! Ως η ποιο εμπειρη και υψιλοβαθμη πουτανα του τμηματος σας, εχουμε την τιμη να σας γαμησουμε απο τον κωλο ασαλιωτα. Για την τιμη αυτη που σας κανουμε, ζηταμε ως ανταλλαγμα να κανετε την ακολουθη πραξη συμπονιας κ καλωσυνης προς 200 υπαλληλους της εταιρειας μας. Να τους απολυσετε.

Με τιμη,

Ο γαμιας της γειτονιας σας.

Υ.Γ. συννημενα βρειτε τη λιστα με τα ονοματα των 200. Εχετε προθεσμια μεχρι το τελος του Φεβρουαριου 2009 να ολοκληρωσετε το εργο σας, αλλιως θα σας ξαναγαμησουμε!»

Αλλαγη χρωματων, οργη, πονος, στεναχωρια... Η ελπιδα η πουτανα ομως ειναι παντα εκει, ακομη κ οταν πρεπει να εχει κρυφτει απο απλο σεβασμο προς τον κομιστη! Ετσι κ τωρα, η σαπια ειναι εκει. Κοιταω τα ονοματα... Μερικοι γνωστοι, μερικοι απο τους δικους μου. Ελπιζω πως ειναι κακογουστο ραντεβου, σαν αυτα με τους ανικανους γαμιαδες, που μονο φωναζουν αλλα απο πηδημα μηδεν. Ελπιζω πως θα ειναι κ το δικο μου ονομα εκει. Πραγματικα θα εκανε την δουλεια μου ποιο ευκολη. Τιποτα... καπως ετσι πρεπει να νιωθει ο 80αρης παππους που κοιταει ενα κωλαρακι 20χρονης χορευτριας σαμπα μπροστα στη μυτη του. Η οργη ριχνει πρωτα ενα βρωμοξυλο στην ελπιδα και μετα παει κ κλαιει μονη της σε μια γωνια του μυαλου. Κοιταω το γαμημενο μονιτορ μπροστα μου. Θελω να το βαρεσω, να του γαμησω οτι εχει κ δεν εχει, να το θρυψαλιασω κ μετα να παω στον οντα του γαμια κ να του δωσω μια δοση απο το φαρμακο του...

Του γαμια, που πηδαει κοσμο κ δεν ρωταει ουτε θελει να μαθει ποσο ασχημο κρεβατι ειναι. Του γαμια που νομιζει πως μας κανει κ χαρη, αυτη η χαροκαμενη τρισμοιρη καρικατουρα αποτυχημενου πορνοσταρ. Φαντασιωνομαι πως θα ηταν να τον πιασω στα χερια μου... πως θα ηταν να ειμαι ο εαυτος μου ξανα. Πως θα ηταν να παρω φορα απο το γαμημενο γραφειακι μου, να πηδηξω μεσα απο την τζαμαρια του αφριζοντας την οργη μου κ να του δωσω αρκετο χρονο να δει τα ματια μου ωστε να ξερει πως δεν θα ξανακανει τιποτα μετα απο αυτο γιατι θα ειναι κατακοιτος για πολυ καιρο... Μετα να του δειξω τι γινεται οταν καποιος αφηνει τον εαυτο του να δειξει τι νομιζει για αυτον, αντι να του χαμογελαει ψευτικα...

Φαντασιωνομαι την ηδονη που θα επερνα οταν θα του εξαρθωνα τα χερια απο τους ωμους του, ποσο ωραια θα περναγα οταν θα του εσπαγα τις επιγονατιδες, τι ηδονικους ηχους θα εβγαζε οταν θα χρησιμοποιουσα την γραβατα του για βρογχο, ισα ισα να του κοβει την ανασα κ την παροχη του αιματος στον εγκεφαλο...

Ενα σαδιστικο χαμογελο κυριαρχει στο προσωπο μου. Σηκωνομαι κ παω στο γραφειο του... Αδεια! Το αρχιδι ειναι σε αδεια! Για 1 μηνα! Ειναι για σκι στη γαλλια! Γαμω το χριστο σου, γαμω την παναγια σου, την πουτανα την μανα σου που σε εκανε οταν την βιαζαν οι αραπηδες αχθοφοροι σε ενα λιμανι στο αλγερι κ φωναζε κ αλλο!!! Γαμω το γαλα που βυζαξες! Γαμω το αχριστο κεφαλι σου, που δεν κανει ουτε για τασακι, μικροτσουτσουνο στρουμφακι, ομοφυλοφυλε κρυψινους αντρα.... Δεν εχω λεξεις να σου περιγραψω την κολαση που θα σου υποβαλλω, αλλα σου υποσχομαι πως πριν ο κωλος σου γινει παλιο ελληνικο πενηνταρικο, δεν θα φυγω απο εδω. Η κολαση θα ειναι τοπος διακοπων για σενα οταν θα εχω τελειωσει μαζι σου...

Τωρα, το μονο που φαντασιωνομαι ειναι να με απολυσει οταν γυρισει κ να ειναι εδω....

slope

2009-01-20T11:57:00.002Z

Το τοπίο είναι ανεπανάληπτο – ακόμη και εδώ , ακόμη και για εσένα που έχεις ξανάρθει. Η ανάσα παγώνει, τόσο από την εικόνα αλλά και από την θερμοκρασία. Οι κορυφές ατενίζουν αγέρωχα τα μερμηγκάκια που με κόπο και ματαιοδοξία πηγαινοέρχονται σε μια λανθάνουσα, σπασμωδική πορεία. Περιμένει να φύγουν, δεν θέλει να ενταχθεί εκεί. Στην σιωπηλή αναμονή παρατηρεί την φύση και μελετά την ανέχεια της σε εμάς, τα παράσιτα...

Πόσο μαγευτικά εναρμονισμένες οι κορφές, πόσο σημαντικές οι γραμμές των δέντρων και πόσο προκλητικές οι υψομετρικές διαφορές. Έχει περάσει καιρός. Κοιτάει και χάνεται στην ομορφιά που περιτριγυρίζει. Ο χρόνος περνάει σε άλλη διάσταση, όχι σε γραμμή, όχι σε σειρά, αλλά ναι, έχει ξαναυπάρξει αυτή η στιγμή. Είναι η στιγμή της ένωσης, η στιγμή που βρίσκει τον χαμένο εαυτό στο χρονοντούλαπο, η στιγμή που το κάτι ξυπνάει και μυρίζει την τροφή του. Κάποιοι θα λέγαν το κτήνος, αφού μόνο μανία περιγράφει την όρεξη που μπορεί και χαρακτηρίζει τις πράξεις και την ένταση τους, το πάθος τους, την ανάγκη τους. Μια γρήγορη και διψασμένη ματιά ανακαλύπτει το μονοπάτι ανάμεσα στα δέντρα, την γραμμή που κανένας δεν έχει βεβηλώσει ακόμη, την γραμμή που κάνει το κάτι, το κτηνος, μέσα να αλυχτάει από χαρά, προσμονή, πάθος, φόβο, όλα μαζί σε μια αγωνία για την εμπειρία, για το τι θα επακολουθήσει.

Η ώρα έχει έρθει... μια μελωδία καλύπτει το μυαλό, ένα φιλμ χαλάρωσης, αυστηρής ηρεμίας, καθώς παράλληλα η ιεροτελεστία της προετοιμασίας έχει ξεκινήσει... Ποτέ δεν κατάλαβε αν είναι φόβος ή ηδονή αυτή η προσοχή και σημασία σε αυτό το σημείο. Μπότες, ρούχα, τσάντα... όλα στη θέση τους, σωστά, εναρμονισμένα, εκπέμπουν μια ασφάλεια, μια ετοιμότητα... αριστερό πόδι στη δέστρα. 39 κλικ και 3 χαλάρωμα – μετά από τόσα χρονιά όλα έχουν την σωστή τους θέση. Δεξί πόδι στη δέστρα, 42 κλικ και ασφάλεια... Στέκεται... το βουνό καλεί, προσκαλεί, ανοίγει μπροστά, γεμάτο προκλήσεις και γεμάτο εμπειρίες. Η διαδρομή είναι απλή μέχρι τα δέντρα, ένα χαλαρό σλάλομ, μια απλή σειρά αριστερών και δεξιών στροφών, τα πρώτα δειλά βήματα για ένα χορό. Πίσω από τα δέντρα όμως...

Προσεγγίζει τα δέντρα και κόβει ανάμεσα τους, πολλές φορές από πάνω τους, αφού το φρέσκο χιόνι είναι άπλετο και καλύπτει τυχόν εμπόδια. Ένα έντονο φως προδίδει το επόμενο βήμα, ή μάλλον το επόμενο άλμα... Το άνοιγμα μπροστά αντανακλά το φως και συγκριτικά με την σκιά των δέντρων δημιουργεί μια πνευματική εικόνα του τι ακολουθεί... Ένα γρήγορο σκανάρισμα δεν δίνει τίποτα για κατάλληλο σημείο προσέγγισης, η επιλογή είναι τυφλό άλμα και πέσιμο ή φρένα και άγαρμπο, άχαρο σύρσιμο μέχρι την άκρη της πλαγιάς... Το φως λάμπει τόσο που οι εικόνες που γεμίζουν το κεφάλι του είναι μόνο από κατάλευκες πλαγιές, με μεγάλη κλίση και χωρίς κανένα ίχνος βράχου, μόνο ράμπες...

Είναι στον αέρα... το κτήνος έχει κυριεύσει τελείως τώρα... Η προσγείωση μάλλον άγαρμπη και τουλάχιστον 2 δευτερόλεπτα μετά από ότι περίμενε. Μόνο η μανία και ο πόθος κρατάνε και επιτρέπουν την συνεχεία στην πορεία.... Γραμμή καμία, καθαρά όλα... Ηδονή... Η κραυγή είναι στην άκρη του στόματος, όμως πρέπει να κρατηθεί, η χιονοστιβάδα είναι γεγονός εδώ και όχι γέννημα κάποιας φαντασίας. Μόνο ταχύτητα μένει στο συνειδητό... οι υπόλοιπες αισθήσεις απολαμβάνουν την μοναδική αυτή εμπειρία οπτικοακουστικών και αισθητικών ερεθισμάτων. Η πούδρα που κόβεται από το σανίδι είναι ποιο αφράτη από οτιδήποτε άλλο, ποιο δροσιστική από οτιδήποτε άλλο, και καθώς οι θερμοκρασίες ανεβαίνουν, έτσι ανεβαίνει και η ηδονή, μοιρασμένη ανάμεσα στην βόλτα, το εγκεφαλικό τριπαρισμα και τον κόπο που απαιτεί αυτή η βόλτα...

Τα πόδια καίγονται, οι μυς είναι εξαντλημένοι... 20 λεπτά σε πούδρα είναι περισσότερο από όσο μπορεί να αντέξει τώρα... αλλά δεν γίνεται να τελειώσει έτσι, τώρα, εδώ... όχι όσο έχει ακόμη χώρο. Το φυσικό άλμα μπροστά φαντάζει μικρο, αλλά υπάρχει μια μικρή φωνή στο πίσω μέρος του μυαλού που λέει πως με αυτή την ταχύτητα και την υψομετρική διαφορά, μόνο μικρο δεν θα είναι. Καμία διαφορά... ένα χαμόγελο σχηματίζεται στο πρόσωπο και το σώμα αυτόματα προσαρμόζεται σε μια νέα θέση. Η γωνία είναι πολύ μεγαλύτερη από όσο φαινόταν, και η ταχύτητα πολύ μεγαλύτερη από όσο ξέρει πως μπορεί να προσγειώσει... ένα κλάσμα αργότερα πετάει, το έδαφος και το χιόνι μακρυά, και κάτι δέντρα τριγύρω γελάνε με το τι θα ακολουθήσει... το χαμόγελο γίνεται γέλιο και το γέλιο οδηγεί στην έκφραση. Η κραυγή ηδονής και χαράς είναι η αποκορύφωση. Η κάθοδος έχει ξεκινήσει, και καμία μα καμία σημασία δεν έχει... Εξάλλου, ποτέ δεν ασχολήθηκε με την προσγείωση...

Ενα φεγγαρι με κοιταει απο ενα παγωμενο ουρανο...

2009-01-06T11:43:00.003Z

Νιώθω την ανάγκη να το προστατέψω από το κρύο, όμως αρνείται την πρόσκλησή μου. Μου λέει με θλίψη πως ο δρόμος για την καρδιά μου είναι ποιο παγωμένος από ότι εκεί που είναι...

Με κάνει να σκέφτομαι... έχει δίκιο... παίζει ρόλο γιατί? όχι, αφού κανείς δεν ενδιαφέρεται να μάθει το λόγο, την αιτία...

κοιτάω το φεγγάρι... γνωρίζω το συναίσθημα που αναδύεται... η μάχη ανάμεσα στην επιθυμία και το γνώριμο, στην αγάπη και τον εγωισμό. είναι μια επιλογή. όμως εκεί που παλιότερα ήταν απλή, πλέον έγινε σύνθετη και πολυδιάστατη. έγινε ελκυστική αλλά και επικίνδυνη. Δεν έχω καμία γνώση και εμπειρία στο θέμα. Αναρωτιέμαι κοιτώντας πάλι το φεγγάρι αν έχει έρθει η ώρα, και αν η αγάπη εξαγνίζει τα πάντα.

Δεν σκέφτομαι καθαρά, ξέρω πως κάτι λείπει. όμως το φεγγάρι είναι εκεί, με μαγνητίζει, με καλεί, με ελκύει με τέτοιο τρόπο που μου θυμίζει συνεχώς πως είμαι ζωντανός, πως ακόμη έχω να προσφέρω πολλά πράγματα και να ζήσω ακόμη περισσότερα, έστω και αν είναι μια επανάληψη δραστηριοτήτων. δεν είμαι ποια ίδιος και κατά συνέπεια δεν θα είναι και τίποτα άλλο ίδιο ξανά.

Όπως ποτέ δεν ήταν, ιδίως όταν τα άφηνα όλα να πάρουν το δρόμο τους.

Καιρός να αφήσω το φεγγάρι να κάνει αυτό που ξέρει καλύτερα. Να επηρεάζει το νερό... και αφού είμαι νερό και εγώ, ψυχή και σώμα, το ίδιο πολύπλοκος και ανεξέλεγκτος, θα αφήσω το φεγγάρι για όσο μπορώ να μου δείχνει τον ασημένιο δρόμο.

Ολοι τελικα κατι γραφουμε...

2008-12-12T16:55:00.002Z

Διαβάζω τα νέα και τις εφημερίδες, ακούω το ελληνικό ραδιόφωνο και μια πληθώρα σταθμών και παραγωγών, και προσπαθώ να καταλάβω. Να διαβάσω ανάμεσα στις γραμμές και τα κρυμμένα μηνύματα...

Αποτυχαίνω παταγωδώς. Ακούω πως οι λίβελοι και οι καιροσκόποι που είναι σε θέσεις-κλειδιά προωθούν, αλλά και πως μεταφέρουν επιλεκτικά τις απόψεις που αντιπροσωπεύουν...

Και το μόνο που μπορώ να πω, να σκεφτώ και να εκφράσω είναι κάτι που δεν αντιπροσωπεύει τις σκέψεις μου, αλλά που μου θυμίζει έναν φίλο μου αγαπημένο...

"Όχι ρε γαμώτο..."

Τις δικές μου σκέψεις και τα δικά μου σχόλια θα τα κρατήσω για μένα, σε μια απόπειρα απόδοσης σεβασμού αλλά και τιμής... μάταιης, ναι... αλλά απόπειρας παρ' όλα αυτά...

Νυχτα

2008-12-05T16:54:00.002Z

Νυχτα...

Για πολλούς είναι η επιτομή του φόβου. Για άλλους είναι το φυσικό τους περιβάλλον. Για μένα είναι απλά η αγαπημένη περίοδος του 24ωρου... Είναι η ώρα που όλοι - ανεξαρτήτως - ρίχνουν τις άμυνες τους, υποχωρούν και κρύβονται είτε σε εδραιωμένους χώρους η σε επίκτητα καταφύγια που τους προσφέρουν την ψευδαισθηση της ασφαλειας και της καλυψης.

Ας μη τους χαλάσουμε το όνειρο... ας πούμε πως είναι έτσι. Όχι για μένα όμως... Για μένα η νύχτα είναι χώρος και ώρα δημιουργική, ώρα που μπορώ να αφουγκραστώ και να περιεργαστώ τις συμπεριφορές και τις απόψεις όλων. Να παρατηρήσω και να ακούσω τα σκουριασμένα γρανάζια των κουρασμένων και μολυσμένων μυαλών...

Και να χαρώ που δεν ανήκω σε αυτή την κατηγορία...

stabbed

2008-11-11T12:49:00.000Z

Normally I wouldn’t care… Normally… Then again… normally wasn’t something I was good at…

Come to think of it, there is nothing I am good at. This has been my trait – ever. I looked back at them. I tried to look evil, mean, I tried to convince myself; I thought I did a good job at it, until I saw one of them smirking back at me, winking. That was outraging. I fumed inside, I groaned and moaned. I wanted to rip him apart, tear his limbs from his body whilst indulging in his pain and agony. But I couldn’t. Yet another restraint. I had – again – to let them walk over me.

For what, I couldn’t tell you. Maybe conditioning, maybe self-preservation, maybe comfort. I don’t have the slightest idea. But they did; and how much they enjoyed it as well, how they gloated and cherished the fact. I don’t know if they knew or they just did it, but it worked miracles in this case…

Then suddenly, something snapped. Something gave way. This is how dogs feel when you take the leash of them. I stood up and stretched, like I have never before. I felt angry, violent and alone. Nothing new there though. I walked behind them, almost thought I was stalking them, but in fact I was far from it. Heavy footsteps, sure and loaded – everyone could hear.

They turned around, stared at me. I was hoping for fear and respect in their eyes; that would have calmed me down, would have allowed me to move on. Instead what I saw was disdain, frustration (to what, really?) and hostility. The hair at the back of my neck could be the thorns of a mexican cactus for all I could feel. There was no turning back now. I contemplated on the fact of going after them in the first place, but as the first made a move towards me, that thought went scrambling in the back of my conscious…

Something familiar, something that felt like the touch of a loving mother took over; the cold, emotionless, calculative film that always took over when I was about to go into a fight. Panic, fear, pain were all kept at bay; only pity was allowed, pity for the weak; unfortunately, that was never me… Before the second step I knew how. They were too many, and I knew nothing about them. So, just go to them; I was already running, muscles tight, almost sore. Stand amidst them in a vain attempt to mock them, defy them – that will be enough, maybe it will even save me from fighting them.

Blank stares, gasps. Uncertainty all around. I could hear their hearts, racing, pounding. I could read in their eyes the question; I could smell the fear and the hesitation. I reached for the throat of the one that winked at me. I could feel the pulse in his vain, in his muscles. He tried to swallow and that only made me clench my grip. His eyes bulged, and fear oozed from him. No one moved. I was content. Maybe there would be no fighting; I saw the flash of the blade too late. I felt the burn in my belly; the bastard was brave enough to thrust and turn as well. I grabbed his hand with my free hand and turned to look…

It was a she…

Plastic dreams

2008-10-16T05:07:00.001+01:00

Let me be your fantasy said a sassy voice in the back of my head. Let me take you to another level… I was young then, I could say yes. No fear, no inhibition, no remorse… Above all, no precedence.

I followed suit, I had the best life of my time, but then it was life’s choice to force me to move. Leave everything behind. This time it was not a sassy voice, but a harsh, coarse one… I followed that as well, still naïve, still believing that I could somehow leave and return at will, that I had the strength and skill to do so. That soon came to an end.

The voices gone and what remained behind was the mess I created…
A mess I love – because I cannot not love my life and my existence – and loath at the same time with fervent passion and conviction. What’s next, I wonder? How much more can it go and for how long? I can’t help but wander and try to find it again.

That unique sense of completion and fulfilment. That unique sense of bond – physical, emotional and mental – and that need to love and devote one’s self to someone and something.

You showed me life; now show me how to live…

I have been screaming that to an invisible, imaginary friend and foe, lover and abuser, mentor and competitor with no avail, no answer.

So I roam and I’ll keep on roaming until the blind man sees again, and until I find the secret of the alchemists… it was not how to turn lead into gold (look hard and good and you will see that the greatest of them has succeeded) but how to saturate the need to change…

Οι οψεις του νομισματος...

2008-10-07T05:27:00.001+01:00

Κοιτας το νομισμα...
Γυαλιστερο και σαγηνευτικο. Αιχμαλωτιζει το βλεμα.
Περιεργαζεσαι την οψη του, τις πλευρες του, την υφη του.
Ο τελειος, αδιστακτος δυαδισμος του σου ξεφευγει. Ασχολεισαι μονο με την εξωτερικη του εμφανιση.

Χαϊδευεις πρωτα την μια οψη, μετα την αλλη, ηδονικα, σαδιστικα. Παιζεις αυτο το νομισμα στα δαχτυλα του χεριου σου, ζωντας την ψευδαισθηση και την αυταπατη σε ολο της το μεγαλειο. Στην ουσια ομως, με καθε περιστροφη του, το νομισμα σε βυθιζει ακομη πιο βαθια, σε αιχμαλωτιζει ακομη περισσοτερο στην δινη του και στην παγιδα του.

Φλερταρεις με το ζενιθ και το ναδιρ, οπως φλερταρει το κουνουπι με το θανατο οταν πλησιαζει την φωτοπαγιδα. Οπως η πουτανα με την ηδονη και την ικανοποιηση, κατω απο το αγρυπνο μπανιστιρντζιδικο βλεμα ενος ματακια θεου που προτιμαει να ειναι σαδιστης και μαζοχιστης – παντα αναλογα με το εν λογο συμφερον του – και να προσφερει παντα κατοπιν εορτης.

Παντα εν αγνοια σου... Αυταπατασαι.

Αν ειχες μυαλο, γνωση και αυτογνωση, θα πετουσες το νομισμα στον μεγαλυτερο, τον χειροτερο εχθρο σου ως εκδικηση και τιμωρια για αυτον(αυτην), και λυτρωση για ‘σενα. Αν ειχες την δυναμη, θα εστριβες το νομισμα με ολη σου την δυναμη, με μανια, και θα εξαφανιζοσουν πριν πεσει κατω.

Αντιθετα, ερωτοτροπεις και σκλαβωνεσαι. Το βαζεις στην τσεπη, το προσεχεις – και ολα αυτα χωρις ποτε να εχεις αντικρισμα.

Εισαι σκλαβος, ενας σκλαβος που ζει στην αυταπατη της ελευθεριας που του προσφερουν. Πιστευεις στο νομισμα γιατι πιστευεις πως εχει σημασια, αξια και δυναμη. Μεσα απο αυτο καταξιωνεσαι και εδρεωνεσαι και εσυ. Ομως αλιμονο για την στιγμη που θα αντιμετωπισεις την ανομισματικη πραγματικοτητα σου.

Θα σου κρατησω μια θεση διπλα μου...

Ειναι 22:30

2008-09-09T05:03:00.001+01:00

Δεν μπορω να κρατησω τα ματια μου ανοιχτα. Ολη η ενεργεια μου εχει εξαφανιστει...
Σκεφτομαι την εικονα στον καθρεφτη... Ματια πρισμενα, με μαυρους κυκλους, χωμενα, χωρις ζωη. Εκεινη την ωρα σκεφτηκα πως ειναι απο τις πολλες ωρες μπροστα στην οθονη... Τωρα, λιγο πριν με παρει ο υπνος – αληθεια, και που θα με παει; - αναρωτιεμαι μηπως υπαρχει κατι αλλο που μου εχει ξεφυγει...

Δεν προλαβαινω να ακολουθησω την σκεψη. Χανομαι, τα παντα σβηνουν.
Που ειμαι; Κοιταω τριγυρω. Δεν εχω ξαναβρεθει εδω. Δεν εχω ιδεα που ειναι αυτο το μερος, και γιατι ειμαι εδω.

Κατι ειναι οικειο... παρα πολυ οικειο. Κοιτωντας καλυτερα, βλεπω μια φιγουρα, κρυμενη σε μια γωνια. Ειναι μαζεμενη, καθεται σε εμβρυακη σταση, με το κεφαλι κρυμενο αναμεσα στα γονατα. Ξαφνηκα οι ηχοι ζωντανευουν... Η ενταση τους πολλαπλασιαζεται και ακουω καθαρα. Ο ηχος απο τις σταγονες που χτυπανε μια μικρη λιμνουλα ειναι ο πρωτος ηχος που καταγραφω. Κοιταω τριγυρω ξανα, μα δεν υπαρχει τιποτα που να δικαιολογει αυτον τον ηχο... Ολα φαινονται αϋλα, εκτος απο την γωνια με την φιγουρα, σαν να καταρρεουν γυρω της.

Ο δευτερος ηχος που φτανει στο μυαλο μου ειναι το γοερο κλαμα, με αναφιλητα και σπαραξικαρδιες κραυγες. Κοιταω με τρομο την φιγουρα. Ξερω πλεον πως αυτο που ακουω ειναι το κλαμα ενος ανθρωπου που υποφερει, τα δακρυα του καθως πεφτουν στο εδαφος. Δεν δειχνει τιποτα. Δεν κουνιεται, δεν αντιδραει, δεν δειχνει τιποτα.

Απορω πως μπορει να το κανει αυτο. Κανω ενα βημα προς το μερος της φιγουρας. Στο δευτερο, αρχιζει και γινεται πιο καθαρη. Ειναι ενα μικρο αγορι, ισως 9 ή 10. Επιταχυνω τα βηματα μου, αλλα η αποσταση αναμεσα μας μεγαλωνει πολλαπλασια σε καθε βημα μου. Νιωθω μια αισθηση πανικου να μεγαλωνει μεσα μου. Για καποιο λογο πρεπει να φτασω το αγορι. Πρεπει...

Στην σκεψη αυτη και μονο, σηκωνει το κεφαλι και με κοιταει, ματια κοκκινα απο τα δακρυα και το κλαμα, γεματα περιφρονηση. Παγωνω. Ο πονος του μεταφερεται αμμεσα, ειναι πλεον δικος μου. Ειναι αβασταχτος. Η αναγκη να φτασω κοντα του μεγαλωνει, και ξαφνικα η αποσταση αναμεσα μας εξαφανιζεται. Τα ματια του με διαπερνανε. Νιωθω πως τα καταφερα...

Τιποτα... κοιταω το χερι μου, εκει που νομιζα πως ηταν το κεφαλι του αγοριου ειναι το κενο. Δεν ακουμπαω τιποτα. Ο πανικος επιστρεφει, το ιδιο και ο πονος, μεγαλωνουν και κυριαρχουν στις αισθησεις μου. Κοιταω, ψαχνω, αναζητω, αλλα το αγορι ειναι αφαντο...

Σιγα σιγα νιωθω να φευγω απο αυτο το περιεργο μερος, και μια εικονα σχηματιζεται στο μυαλο μου...

Το αγορι κλαιει, σιωπηλα, βουβα, στωικα, με μια αποφασιστικοτητα πρωτογνωρη. Φοβαμαι μονο και μονο στην ιδεα πως μπορει... Ενας σκυλος στις τελευταιες του στιγμες πλησιαζει το αγορι. Εκεινο τον αγκαλιαζει, χαϊδευει την μουσουδα του... μεχρι να πεθανει στην αγγαλια του, και μετα συνεχιζει να κλαιει...

souls

2008-09-02T18:51:00.001+01:00

How many years… How many souls have I lost?

How many I tried to save should be the question…
And how many have I tried to save should be the answer to that question…

None… I have taken many… but I have never tried to save any… and why should I?

Am I not a harbinger of sorrow, pain, remorse and eventually death?

You are young… you think of death as the absence of life… but it is much more than that… much much more…

It is the absence of joy, the absence of love, the absence of emotion…

The eternal life with no feelings – albeit feelings of joy or sorrow, pain or pleasure…

The eternal life of loneliness… of solitude…

I was only 14 when those words were whispered to me… I knew nothing then…

In an instant I learned… more than any man should know… More than I could handle…

And ever since I devoted my life in two goals that I knew where lost cause and unattainable from me…

Salvation… there is no such redemption for me…

Knowledge is power… true… But ignorance is bliss…

I would trade my soul for the latter, but unfortunately I am out of soul to trade…

Θυμαμαι...

2008-09-02T18:21:00.003+01:00

Με θλιψη... αυτα τα ματια... χαραξανε για παντα την ψυχη μου...

Κιτρινο το σουρουπο και για πρωτη φορα δεν αντεχω την σιωπη... Αυτη η πολη, αυτη η ζωη, για πρωτη φορα, για μια στιγμη... εχει γινει ανυποφορη πληγη...
Ομως... δεν μπορω να πεθανω... να ελπιζω πως ενα πρωι απλα θα με βρουν ανασκελα... ξερω καλυτερα απο αυτο... ξερω την αληθεια... την σκληρη πραγματικοτητα...

Μια φωνη λεει να μην φοβαμαι... υπαρχη λυση, υπαρχει φως...
Μα ποτε μου δεν το ζητησα... δεν θελησα το φως... Η νυχτα ειναι πιο σκληρη, πιο ντομπρα και πιο πραγματικη... Ανοικω εκει...

Πριν τελειωσει η νυχτα αυτη, πριν ερθει το πρωι ολα θα εχουν τελειωσει, πριν καν αρχισουν....

Θελω να ξερω αν με αγαπησες, αν σε αγαπησα... αν ποτε υπηρξε κατι αληθινο, η απλα η εχθρα μας ηταν σαν την αγαπη της μερας με την νυχτα... αιωνια καταδικασμενες να κυνηγιουνται ατερμονα σε μια ανελεητη διαδοχη, μια μονη στιγμη ανεπαρκης συμβιωσης,...

Ποτε δεν θα μπορεσω να μαθω, γιατι δεν εισαι εκει πια...
Κοιταω το χαος... ειναι αργα πια... ωρα για καληνυχτα.... καιρος να πουμε αντιο, να σκεπασουμε και να θαψουμε τους νεκρους μας...

Αλλοι ειμαστε καλοι στο να θυμωμαστε, αλλοι εισαστε καλοι στο να προχωρατε...

Το μονο που μου εμεινε ειναι ενα σωμα προς πωληση, μια ψυχη προς ενοικιαση και ενα μυαλο αρρωστο, κουρασμενο και πνιγμενο στις αυταπατες... Τιποτα δεν ειναι στεγανο... ολα μπαζουν... νερα.. κρυο... αμφιβολιες... φοβους....
Αυτα τα ματια... μονο στο βιβλιο των ηρωων του τρομου τα εχω ξαναδει...
Βρηκα οτι εψαχνα... ενα ψυχοτροπο ναρκωτικο, μια ουσια που οριζει τις ενοχες μου και καταπινει τις αυταπατες μου...

Οτι και αν τρωει τα σωθικα μου.. ειναι νεκρο... απλα δεν το ξερει ακομη... Η μεδουσα και τα χιλια φιδια που απαρτιζουν το κεφαλι της γευματησαν την καρδια μου και στην θεση της αφησαν μια πετρα στο σχημα της, να κοροιδευει εμενα...

Με νυχια γαμψα προσπαθω να σκισω τιν πετρα... Ομως δεν μπορεις να βλαψεις την αλαζονια... δεν μπορεις να ξεπερασεις την καχυποψια...

Θα βαλω την μπερτα μου... ειναι η ωρα να φυγω... και ισως οταν βρω αυτο που ψαχνω και ολο χανω ... ισως τοτε σας ξαναδω...

Μεχρι τοτε θα ψαχνω το φαρμακο που ειναι μοναδικο και το λενε ...

Θανατο...

Loop

2008-08-27T13:09:00.001+01:00

You wake up amidst a pool of blood. You move… muscles and bones are not cooperating… A jolt, then a second. It doesn’t matter, it’s all familiar. You know by instinct that some of that blood is yours… you reach out to touch it, try to taste it…

Eager fingers and thirsty fingertips reach out, hungry and lustful… your heart is fluttering, your blood is rushing, coursing through your veins, making your muscles alive and your bones complain.

Nothing… there is nothing there. The skin at your fingertips, loaded with activated neurons reads the surface like crazy, trying to send back to your corrupted brain proof of what all your other senses say it’s there… You look at your hands in disbelief. It is – or looks like it is – covered in blood. Steadily, you bring it to your mouth.

There is nothing there.

Fear strikes you. Are you hallucinating? You begin to fumble around, and frantically you end up feeling your body… Trying to find the wounds trying to prove what you want to see… trying to justify what you see…

There is nothing there.

You reach out – mentally and physically – as far and as hard as you can. You have to remember… You have to know if it is real or not…

There was tension… sorrow… pain… there was loss…

Something is urging you to stop. It almost feels like it is begging you… You press on; you need to know, at all cost…

You where mourning… Peacefully… And then… something snapped.

Another jolt… Somehow, this brings more pain, and feels more real.

They kept pushing, kept pressing… You warned them behind grinding teeth to back off, leave you alone… They wouldn’t listen… All you wanted to do was to be alone for a while… it would have passed… You could have worked it out…

But they kept pushing; and…

A torrent of emotions and memories overbears you…

You wake up amidst a pool of blood. You move… muscles and bones are not cooperating… A jolt, then a second. It doesn’t matter, it’s all familiar. You know by instinct that some of that blood is yours… you reach out to touch it, try to taste it…

Χαμενος μεσα σε ενα δαιδαλο αναμνησεων, αναζητησεων, προβληματισμων και τελικα αδιεξοδων...

2008-08-24T10:02:00.000+01:00

Αναμνησεις... Θυμασαι αραγε πως ειναι να παιζεις, ξεγνιαστα, να κανεις αυτο που πραγματικα θελεις και ποθεις αντι γι’αυτο που επιτρεπετε? Θυμασαι τοτε που ολα ηταν πιο απλα... τοτε που ολα ηταν αληθινα, ακομα και οταν το ψεμα ηταν ασυναγωνιστο και ηθελες να λυγισεις απο τα γελια και την αγανακτηση?

Αναζητησεις... Ψαχνεις να βρεις την λυση, τον τροπο που μπορεις να ξεφυγεις απο αυτον τον ατερμονο κυκλο, απο αυτην την παγιδα που σου αποζυμα και την τελευταια ρανιδα ενεργειας και ορεξης... ψαχνεις να βρεις τι; Οτι ψαχναν να βρουν και αλλοι τοσοι πριν απο ‘σενα, και απετυχαν...

Προβληματισμοι... Αληθεια... γιατι να αναλωσεις καν ενεργεια για αυτο... δεν υπαρχει απαντηση... δεν υπαρχει διεξοδος... γιατι λοιπον να αναλωνεις ενεργεια για αυτο?

Αδιεξοδο... Οταν το δεις, ειναι πολυ αργα για να το αποφυγεις... μοιρολατρικα, ολοι
προσπαθουμε να φρεναρουμε, να μειωσουμε την προσκρουση, να αποφυγουμε την μεγαλη ζημια...

Οχι. Λαθος... Τσιτα τα γκαζια, οτι εχεις, οσο περισσοτερο, οσο πιο τσαντισμενα, πιο μανιασμενα και παθιασμενα μπορεις... ‘Η θα περασεις ή θα τελειωσουν ολα σου τα βασανα εκει... μια και εξω...

Ευχαριστουμε για τον χρονο σας, μην μας καλεσετε, θα σας καλεσουμε εμεις!

2008-08-21T09:32:00.001+01:00

Πως να το περιγραψω....
Αισθημα αποριψης;
Στεναχωρια γιατι απετυχα; Τι ακριβως ειναι;
Δεν ξερω... αλλα με επιρεαζει πολυ...

Επιστροφη στα βασικα λοιπον...
Οτι μας ενοχλει, το αλλαζουμε ή/και το κοβουμε... Δεν σκοτιζουμε τον ερωτα του αλλου με την γκρινια μας και την μιζερια μας...

Και αν δεν μπορουμε να το αλλαξουμε ή να το κοψουμε; Τι κανουμε τοτε;

Υπομενουμε στωικα, και ησυχα... Οι αλλοι δεν μας φταινε... Και αποδεχομαστε την ηττα...

Τωρα, με συνχωρειτε, πρεπει να παω στην γωνια μου να γλυψω τις πληγες μου μπας και κλεισουν και παμε παρακατω, γιατι εδω που ειμαστε... προκοπη δεν βλεπω....

Στη χωρα της Μουρκας....

2008-08-20T06:41:00.000+01:00

Η χωρα της Μουρκας ειναι διπλα απο την χωρα της Ουτοπιας... Ουδεμια διπλωματικη σχεση υπαρχει αναμεσα στις δυο χωρες, για προφανεις λογους... Ειναι εκ διαμετρου αντιθετες και ενω εκ προτης οψεως φαινονται συμβατες και με την δυνατοτητα παραλληλων βιων, στην πραγματικοτητα δεν μπορουν καν να συνεννοηθουν σε βασικες αρχες και ιδεες.

Η Μουρκα απαρτιζεται απο εκλεπτισμενους κατοικους, ενα ανωτερο ειδος, το οποιο βασει καποιων – κατα γενικη παραδοχη σαθρων και μαλλον παιδιαστικων – θεωρειων ειναι υπευθηνο για την γεννεση των κατοικων της Ουτοπιας (κατι για κατι πλευρα και τετοιες κουταμαρες). Οι Μουρκοι ειναι ενας απλος λαος, με βασικες αναζητησεις, τυχωδιοκτηκες τασεις και κυριο χαρακτηριστικο ενα συνωθηλεμα εκφρασεων που καλυπτουν ολο το φασμα των αισθησεων... με καλους και κακους τροπους. Επισης, χαρακτηριζονται απο μια καποια αφελεια και κουταμαρα που δεν εχει επουδενει να κανει με τον δεικτη νοημοσυνης τους.

Η Ουτοπια απαρτιζεται απο πανεμορφους (σε... γενικες γραμμες... σαφως υπαρχουν και οι εξερεσεις – η Κυβερνιση της Ουτοπιας σκεφτετε σοβαρα την δημιουργια ενος νεου Καιαδα) κατοικους, με μαλλον παραλογες και αλογιστες τασεις και συμπεριφορες... Ειναι γενικος αποδεκτο – απο Μουρκους και Ουτοπες – πως οι κατοικοι της Ουτοπιας κατα γενικοι παραδοχη αδυνατον να ικανοποιηθουν και να τους καταλαβεις. Επισεις ειναι απιστευτα κυκλοθυμικοι και αναλογα με την διαθεση και το φεγγαρι (πολλοι λενε πως ειναι καποιες 5 συγκεκριμενες μερες το μηνα, αλλα η επιστιμη των Μουρκων και των Ουτοπων δεν εχει καταφερει να το αποδειξει με αδιασειστα στοιχεια...) μπορουν να επιδειξουν παραλογη – εως και ακατανοητη συμπεριφορα χωρις λογο και αιτια αδιακριτος. Επισης, οι κατοικοι της Ουτοπιας χαρακτηριζονται απο μια φυσικη και αρκετες φορες αβουλη πονηρια, κακια, μικροτητα και ταση προς εκμεταλλευση... (μια σεκτα αντιδραστικων ψυχολογων εχει αποδοσει αυτη την τελευταια ταση στην ευκολια με την οποια οι Ουτοποι ειναι αποδεκτες εξυπηρετησεων...)

Αναμεσα στις δυο χωρες, υπαρχει μια εμπορικη ζωνη απο γινονται ολες οι συναλλαγες μεταξυ Μουρκων και Ουτοπων...

.....τωρα τελευταια... οι δουλειες δεν πανε καλα...

Χαμένος στις νότες του ρεμπέτικου

2008-07-18T12:37:00.001+01:00

Ξέρεις τι είναι λησμονιά;
Ξέρεις τι είναι νόστος;
Ξέρεις τι είναι πόνος;
Απώλεια;

Περνάω έξω από τη Σύρο (ή Σύρα, όπως έλεγε και ο μοναδικός Βαμβακάρης...) και ακούω τη μουσική του, τους στοίχους του, τα τραγούδια του. Και ανατριχιάζω. Πονάω. Θέλω να σηκωθώ όρθιος, να κλάψω, να χορέψω και να τα σπάσω όλα. Και αλίμονο σε αυτόν που θα μιλήσει, θα κοιτάξει και δεν θα καταλάβει.
Δεν έχουμε ιδέα... Ποτέ δεν είχαμε, αλλά και ποτέ δεν ψάξαμε. Η ζωή είναι ωραία, αλλά τα ‘χει με άλλον. Και εμένα τι με νοιάζει;
Τι με σταματάει; Είμαι τυχοδιώκτης τελικά;
Όλοι οι ρεμπέτες του ντουνιά, πού πήγατε;
Γιατί μας αφήσατε να ξεχάσουμε, να λησμονήσουμε και να αφήσουμε πίσω τη μαγκιά σας και την προσέγγιση σας στη ζωή;
Ίσως κάνα δυο χρόνια πριν να τολμούσα να πω πως είμαι ρεμπέτης, όσον αφoρά τη ζωή μου, αλλά τώρα πια ξέρω καλύτερα.
Τώρα, μόνο εύχομαι να μπορούσα να ζήσω τη ζωή του ρεμπέτη, όσο μαύρη, δύσκολη, σύντομη, σκληρή και πικρή και να ήταν.
Ένα δάκρυ κυλάει στο μάγουλό μου. Κάποτε θα έπεφτε πάνω στο χαρτί, και θα ήταν μια ανάμνηση. Τώρα, είναι απλά ένα έναυσμα για να στραφώ ακόμη πιο μέσα. Υπομονή...

Κάποτε δεν θα επέτρεπα καν να ακούσω αυτήν τη λέξη – αλήθεια, δεν πάνε πολλά χρόνια από τότε, μόνο 4 – τώρα τη χρησιμοποιώ συνεχώς, ως συμβουλή, ως γνώμη, ως ιδέα. Αυτό είναι πείρα, δειλία, γνώση ή απλά έτσι είναι; Δεν ξέρω πια.

Υπομονή, και όλα θα γίνουν. Πότε; Εγώ τα θέλω τώρα.
Μήπως σε αυτήν την απαίτηση ο ρεμπέτης απαντάει με τον λουλά, το τουμπεκάκι, τα όργανα και τη μεταλλική φωνή του μάγκα να ξορκίζει τους δαίμονες; Μήπως το νόημα το είχαμε βρει, και το αφήσαμε να φύγει;
Είναι μια μόνιμη επαναλαμβανομένη κατάσταση αυτή τελικά... Βρίσκεις τη λύση, τη δοκιμάζεις, την καταλαβαίνεις και τελικά τι κάνεις; Την αφήνεις να φύγει.

Καιρός να σταματήσεις, δεν είναι;

Οι νότες σιγά-σιγά σβήνουν, το μυαλό σταματάει να ταξιδεύει. Και εγώ είμαι ακόμη εδώ, αναγκασμένος να αντιμετωπίσω την πραγματικότητα. Αλλά τη δική μου πλέον, όχι των άλλων. Γιατί ο μάγκας του βοτανικού ήταν εκεί, εντε λα μαγκεν ντε βοτανικ, και μπορούσες να τον δεις, να καταλάβεις τι είναι και τι σημαίνει να είσαι άντρας αλλά πάνω από όλα ελεύθερος.
Στα ντε μπουζουκεν ντε καμπαρε,
αλα ντε δικο μας ο καρεν,
αϊντα λα φουμεντο,
και μαστουριορε,
με τε γκομενετε ο ντεκε,
και η αγγελο,
πατημεντο,
φλόκο ντ’αργελε,
εστε μαγκας,
εστε μπελαλικ
λα τε βοτανικο ο πιο νταΐκ
και ντρεμεντρε καργα ντε μαγκεν
γιατί φτιαξαρε στο μη μου το ντε δουλιεν
(Ζαγοραίος)

Το δάκρυ δε λέει να κάνει βήμα, ούτε μέσα, ούτε έξω...

Και το μαύρο μου μπεγλέρι δεν βοηθάει. Και αν το’χω και αν δεν το’χω, το ίδιο μου κάνει. Ο πόνος δεν λέει να φύγει, και να τον μπεγλερίζεις, και να τον ποτίζεις, να τον καπνίζεις και να τον τρυπάς, να τον κοιτάς, να τον μισείς και να τον αγαπάς, ακόμα και αν τον γράφεις ή τον τραγουδάς.

Ακόμη και το σχολείο που έβγαλα, καλό δεν μου έκανε. Και γράμματα πολλά που έμαθα, τα ίδια ξέρω, και την απάντηση στην ερώτηση «ποιο έχει γίνει πρώτα, η κότα ή το αυγό;» ακόμη δεν την ξέρω.

Αναρωτιέμαι αν ποτέ θα με συγχωρέσω και αν ποτέ θα αφήσω τα φαντάσματα να τσακωθούν με τους δαίμονες, μπας και δούμε μια άσπρη μέρα.

Και ξυπόλυτη που δεν ήσουν, τώρα που σε πήρα εγώ γυρεύεις αεροπόρους και ποντοπόρους. Εγώ όμως δεν έχω λόγους να σου δώσω τίποτα. Σκουλαρίκια θα δίνω μόνο όπου θέλω εγώ, μόνο όπου νιώθω καλά. Τα χίλια χρόνια φυλακή τιμωρίας του χάρου έχουν πια ανασταλεί, και ο χαροδρέπανος ξαμολήθηκε στους δρόμους και κλάδεψε ότι βρήκε μπροστά του. Μέσα σε αυτά και την καρδιά μου, την άφησε λειψή. Αναρωτιέμαι τι με περιμένει μετά από αυτήν τη ζωή, άραγε στην κόλαση;

Και αναρωτιέμαι, θα τραγουδάω όπως η Μαρίκα, με τέτοιο πόνο και παράπονο από την καρδιά και την ψυχή, σε φωνή βουβή; Καίγομαι, καίγομαι, όμως το αξίζω, ρίξε κι άλλο λάδι στη φωτιά, μέχρι να γίνει μια θάλασσα πλατιά, μια πύρινη κόλαση που θα καταπιεί την άσωτη και άπονη καρδιά μου και θα αφήσει την ψυχή μου να αναρωτιέται πού πήγε λάθος το όνειρο.

Ίσως αν σπάσω κούπες, ή αν πάρω βεργούλες. Μπορεί αν μπω στο κελί 33, ή αν ζώσω την δόλια μου καρδιά με συρματοπλέγματα βαριά. Ίσως όσοι έχουν πολλά λεφτά να πρέπει να πεθάνουν, ίσως αν τους βάλουμε φωτιά και τους κάψουμε, να βρούμε και εμείς την λύτρωση και την απάντηση στα προβλήματά μας. Αδικία, δεν είναι δικά μας, δικά μου είναι, και τα παίρνω και φεύγω.

Τι ειχαμε, τι χασαμε....

2008-05-22T05:20:00.002+01:00

Ψωλεο σε ξεχασαμε...

Διαβασα ενα αρθρο στην εφημεριδα... Θα ρωτησει κανεις γιατι το εκανα αυτο... Συγνωμη, λαθος, δεν θα το ξανακανω, ηταν μια στιγμη αδυναμιας...

Το αρθρο ηταν για τον Λ. Μαχαιριτσα και τα (σχεδον) 20 χρονια που εχουν περασει απο τους Τερμιτες...

Σοκ... Αλλου γι' αλλου... Ποτε περασαν, που πηγαν...

Στασου λιγο... Που ειμαι?

Κοιταω τριγυρω μου... Καθομαι σε ενα γυαλινο γραφειο, περιτριγυρισμενος απο 300 ανθρωπους (και παραεξω 52εκ.) στο Begaluru, σε μια απο τις αρχαιοτερες χωρες... Πραγματι περασαν τοσα...

Εχει νοημα η αναδρομη? Εχει νοημα να ανασκαλευεις τις αναμνησεις?

Ο καλυτεχνης (οχι μεσα μου, ο πραγματικος, ο Μαχαιριτσας!) εθεσε το θεμα πολυ απλοικα... Η νοσταλγια και η μελαγχολια που φερνει μπορει να ειναι καλα πραγματα οσο εχουν γλυκια γευση. Και οσο μπορουν να μοιραστουν σε ενα κοινο πλαισιο, μια βαση...

Ποσο δικιο εχει... Λεμε... δεν ξερω...

Ποσο εφαρμοσιμη ειναι αυτη η θεση... επισης δεν ξερω...

Ξερω ομως πως νοσταλγω...

Για κατι που δεν υπαρχει πια εκει εξω... για μια αθωωτητα και μια αναλαφρη ζωη που μονο σε παιδικα και εφηβικα ονειρα μπορει να επιβιωσει... Εχει γλυκια γευση... Τοσο, που δεν θελεις να την καταπιεις, γιατι ο φοβος οτι συντομα μετα θα χαθει ειναι απτος.

Μια παρελαση χρωματων, οσμων και ερεθισματων ολων των αισθησεων με περικυκλωνει...

Ισως ειναι καιρος να καταπιω αυτη τη νοσταλγια και να βρω μια καινουργια γευση...

Στασου... αυτο δεν κανω τοσα χρονια?
Αυτο δεν κανουν ολοι?...

Δεν θα μελαγχολυσω...
Αλλα θα παω να βρω την χωρα των Λωτοφαγων και τον Οδυσεβαχ...

Cornered...

2008-04-12T19:57:00.002+01:00

Cornered… Dead end…
How did I get here?
Where and when did I lose it?
Does it matter?
Will I backtrack? There is nothing to backtrack to…
If only this was nature… If only this was where I could be myself…
It will have to wait; that thought will have to wait. Now it is imperative to get out of this dead end. Where I go to is of little importance…
How I get out of this is critical…
I can fight…
I can act…
I can be honest…
I can lie…
I can pretend…
I can try to fit in…
I can try to stand out…
I can try to hide…
I can do pretty much whatever I want to do…
But there is only one right answer, only one that will lead me where I truly want to be… It is simple; not knowing where I want to be does not change the right path, it only means that I cannot identify it and follow it consciously… Hence why making the right choice is so important…

I’ve been here before…
The feeling is familiar; the place is familiar…
Familiarity leads to relaxation…
Relaxation leads to comfort…
Comfort leads to mistakes…
Comfort means that you lose focus…
Losing focus means that you lose time, you lose the goal, you get sidetracked.
And where others believe that there are small treasures to be found whilst drifting into uncharted territories, I believe that they are only invaluable breaks in the pilgrimage to the goal…

And as I am an entity, purely and utterly on my own, I see little value in paying any heed, attention or tribute to opinions that allow me to divert from what I am after…

And I am after answers, I am after meanings, I am after things that my surrounding environment has long forgotten and discarded as unimportant; only because dealing and thinking about them is difficult…

I like difficult…

Confused…

2008-04-03T10:24:00.002+01:00

So confused that it doesn’t really matter any more. It is a status of the mind… A mist covers everything, a thick barrier between me and anything else… So what? Do I sit there, doing nothing? Whimpering away, waiting for the miracle to happen? Do I just accept and follow?

Perhaps it would be easier that way, perhaps this way it would be less painful…
But what I do is that I move… In any direction, in any possible way. I move… I run, I jump, I crawl, I swim, I climb, I do anything that is necessary to move…

I take the risk… and pay the consequences at the same time…

What does love have to do with anything?

2008-03-25T10:15:00.002Z

Since when? I was under the impression that my life had taken a somehow different path ever since I fell in love again… I was wrong… It took a detour, true, it took a different road, but nothing has really changed. I am still alone, I am still in solitude. The same titles and restrictions as always, the same caveats in words and actions, the same behaviours, masked, hidden behind the well crafted and perfectly worn mask… So be it was the first reaction… It will be ok… those were my thoughts when I first found out… And started working towards living with the truth, trying to make the most out of it… This is this; this is that, this is the other… I was trying to make excuses for the inexcusable, justifications for the unjustifiable…

I began loosing sleep, loosing energy, loosing the laugh and joy that I had gained when I first met love… Even when that was noticed, there was no attempt to understand why, to see why… there was only the bitching and moaning of why; why I am not laughing – well if you tried not to bust my balls, I would…! If you tried to understand I would…! Why am I not happier – geez, I don’t know; maybe because I am in a sterile environment for my standards and cannot find many things to enjoy? Maybe because things in our freaking fucking world are not so great? Maybe because everywhere I turn to I only see compromises and regret? Maybe because you are not there in any way that I need you to be? Maybe? Why, why, why, why…

The funniest of all though, is what happens when I answer those whys… Every single time… got to hand it to love… it can play seriously fucked up games in your head… Every time I open my mouth to say something, I feel evil, I feel that I am about to say the meanest and cruellest thing in my lifetime… Skilled! Very very skilled! Talented I’d say… and it so happens that love acts it as well… not only does it make me feel it, it makes me live it…

Love… what do I know about love... what do I know about life? What do I know about being in love… I am unwilling of loving in ways other’s want me to do, and I am incapable of finding and keeping what I should…

Some would say that this is my self-destructing nature, others will say that this is who and what I am… one or two will know that I am in pain. When old facades come to surface, there will be tears, there will be fear, there will be pain… when I lose control, I am afraid… and what I am afraid of, is what I will do. And when you constantly ask me, push me to lose control, I begin to see the extent of the damage… where is my bottle of rum? Love is overestimated and overpriced… An eternity of suffering for a moment of joy… not a great trade off in my mind… where is my grog? Life is an adventure… an adventure never stops… it is always continuing, it is always changing, and it is down to the individual to choose what they are, what they are made off.

Love is no longer welcomed in my life – yet again…
Love is incompatible with me. It makes me feel crippled, it makes me feel weak, it makes me feel vulnerable. It hinders me instead of letting me grow, it pulls me down instead of thrusting me in the heart of my dreams… I have done something wrong to deserve this…

Now its time to fix it…

Πως μπορεις να βρεις κατι μεσα σου

2008-03-06T14:05:00.000Z

• Πως μπορεις να βρεις κατι μεσα σου? Μεσα στην ψυχη σου, μεσα στο μυαλο σου?
 Δεν ηξερα πως εψαχνες να βρεις κατι...
• Αυτη η ειρωνεια σου θα σε καταστρεψει...
 Πολυ ευαισθητο εχεις γινει... Εξαλλου, απο ποτε εχεις εσυ τετοιου ειδους ανησυχιες και προβληματισμους?
• Αρνουμαι τις ψευτικες κατηγοριες και τις λιβελολογιες και δειχνω ανωτερο. Θα μου απαντησεις τωρα, ή χανω τον χρονο μου?
 Εντυπωσιακο... Χμμμ... πως να βρεις κατι μεσα σου... Φανταζομαι οτι ο καλυτερος τροπος ειναι να αποδεχτεις πως το μεσα σου ειναι ενα μπερδεμενο συνοθυλεμα μικρων κομματιων που στο συνολο τους μπορουν να αποτελεσουν μια ομορφη εικονα, και σιγουρα απαρτιζουν τον χαρακτηρα σου και την προσωπικοτητα σου...
• Ωρες ωρες με εκπλυσεις...
 Μην με διακοπτεις! Λοιπον... Αυτο το συνολο κομματιων δεν ειναι σχεδον ποτε σε αρμονια και στην σωστη θεση. Ειναι παντα μπλεγμενο, ανακατεμενο... Αν θελεις να βρεις κατι λοιπον, πρεπει να βρεις την αρχη, πρεπει να βρεις τον τροπο που θα βοηθησει να βρεις το κομματι...
• Σοφα λογια...
 Σκας, ή σταματαω?
• Σκαω....
 Ο καλυτερος και παλαιοτερος και αποδεδειγμενος τροπος να το πετυχεις αυτο ειναι η μεθοδος παζλ.
• Η ποια? Πως?
 Η μεθοδος παζλ, αστοιχειοτο... Ωρες ωρες αναρωτιεμαι γιατι χαλαω τον χρονο μου μαζι σου... Δηλαδη... πραγματικα...
• Γιατι θελεις το κορμι μου?
 Αυτο... για συνελθε λιγο... Ειπαμε να λεμε μαλακιες να περναει η ωρα αλλα εσυ το παρακανες...
• Μα...
 Μαλακιες... Τιποτα... δεν θελω να ακουσω τιποτα...!

Περιεργο...

2008-02-25T15:04:00.000Z

•Περιεργο...
Τι?
•Ειναι περιεργο...
Ποιο?
•Σχεδον ακατανοητο...
Ποιος?
•Ε?
Μονολογεις? Μιλας μονος σου και δυνατα? Εχει καμια σημασια ο μονολογος σου ή απλα κανεις φασαρια?
•Τι εννοεις?
Εννοω πως...? Παρατα το...
•Τι?
Μην με ενοχλεις αλλο...
•Ποιος?
Επιτηδες το κανεις?
•Ποιο?
Ενταξει... Φτανει τωρα... Δεν εχει πλακα πια...
•Ε?
Μαλιστα... ειναι περιεργο, εχεις δικιο...
•Ειδες που στο ‘λεγα?
Και τωρα? Τι κανουμε τωρα? Πως μπορουμε να το ξεπερασουμε?
•Ποιο?
Το περιεργο!
•Δεν το ξεπερνας το περιεργο... Το αγαπας το περιεργο. Το φοβασαι το περιεργο. Το αγγαλιαζεις το περιεργο, το αποδεχεσαι το περιεργο αλλα ποτε δεν το ξεπερνας το περιεργο.
Και αν δεν θελω?
•Δεν εχεις επιλογη... Εξαλλου, απο ποτε γινεται οτι θελεις?
Τι εννοεις?
•Οτι ειναι...
Ξερω, ξερω...
•Περιεργο!...

Exploring dark corners of a twisted mind.

2008-01-08T15:11:00.000Z

Usually I don’t even bother to engage others in my decisions…
But today it is an exceptional day…
I feel enthralled in the idea of serving others…
And since this is a rare phenomenon, I must make sure that everyone involved can mike the most of it.

I reached over… the alarm went on, relentlessly. She made a muffled sound while she grabbed hold of me…

- Don’t go…

I looked at her. She had me, and she knew it. The only comfort for me was that she did not take advantage of it …yet…
I reached for the mobile phone, silenced the alarm, turned the mobile phone off and cuddled with her…

- Don’t go... Quit your job; spend all your mornings with me…

All mornings had the same dialogue. It was always difficult to make it out of bed. Leaving her was excruciating!

- I will!
- When? You always say that to me…

I never said anything like that before, and we both knew it. But it was her little game, and I let her get away with it.

- Today…

She turned around, looked at me with sleepy eyes and browsing brains… She knew… She knew her game and she knew me… It took her a fraction of a second to come to full awareness…

- You are not joking!
- No… today your wish is my command. Just make sure you don’t wish for things you don’t really want…
- I don’t know if I should be thrilled or scared, you know…
- I know… I am exposed here…
- Well, let’s see what I can get out of this…

We were miles apart… each lost in their own sphere, thinking only of what we had just gotten ourselves into. Neither of us would bulge and admit that it was foolish and we were too stubborn to just play along until we decide otherwise… We had sex, filled with pain and lust, but no emotions… This could very well be the beginning of the end and we both knew it…

Later, when our senses were satisfied, she decided to open up… For the first time with no inhibitions, almost war like and harsh…

- Ok, I made up my mind. I know what I want from you…
- Ok…
- Ok? Just like that? You do not care?
- I do, and I am scared shit of what your twisted mind will ask me to do, but I know that I will do it, and you know that you are going to ask for it, so why lie?
- I don’t want you to quit your job. I want you to go somewhere with me.
- Now I am even more frightened. And no so much intrigued as worried. But I am listening.
- I want you to come with me to a swing party. And I want you to look only. I don’t want you to participate… I want you to look at me while I am exploring and collecting experiences.
- Low… very low. I will do it… but it is low…
- I know, but I figured that there would be no other opportunity…
- And you are sure that you just want me to look, not do anything?

If she was thinking, she would have said no… She would have processed that better… But she was excited, she was in heat… I could feel it, I could smell it… But I would, I could not bring myself to tell her that she was about to make the worse mistake in her life…

- Yes. I have thought this through all day today… This is what I want; I have already made arrangements.
- Ok baby… Know this. I loved you and I still do, but this will change us… It will change me; it will change you.
- I know,,, I only hope that it will do so for better and not for worse…

Night over London doesn’t necessarily mean late… Night in London during winter is 19:00. The party was live when we got there at 21:00. A proper swing party, one that means business; no hint of a wild orgy, no indication of the congregation and copulation that took place past the doors… Yet it was there… I shivered as we neared the door… I was scared… I could taste the fear and the pain in my mouth. I resented the fact that I would force myself to live this; I hated myself for the fact that she was going to fuck her brains out with other men.

She looked happy and excited… The two emotions being on the two opposites… She knocked on the door. A portcullis opened and she slipped the invitation through. The door opened and a well dressed figure welcomed us, nodding us to enter. I hovered on my step, struggling with the idea of walking to my own demise… She gingerly walked in, and eventually I followed. The figure was in fact a gorgeous middle aged woman. She gestured directions and when we tried to ask something, she gestured silence… Better that way I thought. Isolation and meditation, along the southing voice of my mind might help me through this. She had a spark in her eyes and I captured it for a brief moment. It sent fire in my loins, making me feel even more uneasy. I remembered my promise, my commitment to her…

She was tall, raid hair falling just below her shoulders in waves, an unnatural shine covering them… Her bright green eyes had me enchanted far before she revealed her body. She did not gesture this time; she approached us naked, a true red-head, and started taking our clothes off. I tried to meet her eyes, but a sharp pain in my right arm made me look the other way. She hadn’t forgotten my promise to her… She was going to enjoy and I was going to suffer. Not only because she would be fucking with others, not because I had to look at her while she was doing it, but because I would not be able to do and enjoy anything… And not only that! I had to fend any invitation in the process…

We stood there, naked, exposed… battling our inhibitions and our concerns… The red-head guided us towards a huge double door, decorated with weird and incomprehensive designs… I looked at it mesmerised, paying little attention to anything else… When the door opened, a human canvas of a pornographic painting in works was revealed… Colours, sizes, flavours, aromas, combinations… everything was work in progress… I felt her hand sweating and her grip tightening. I could feel her heart-beat and I knew her fear; it made no difference, she would not go back. I stood there…

The red-headed lady left us and provocatively walked in the first group of people ahead of us. A skinny, pale girl was being manhandled by three fat men; the red-headed lady just attacked one of them, scratching his back and biting his left ass-cheek… He violently slapped her, which through her down on her knees, with a drop of blood dripping down her lips. Her eyes screamed defiance and her body was a taunt to anyone daring enough to approach… I could barely restrain myself, and I knew that I was getting a hard on… O had to fight that, but the sight was mesmerising… The fat guy grabbed her hair violently, forced her after a struggle to turn around on all fours and stretch her ass in the air… He grabbed his cock and started stroking it… I was relieved, he wasn’t a freak of nature; somehow that was important in my head! I soon regretted my words, because his cock grew larger and larger… The red-head managed to get loose from his grip, turned around and stared frozen for a second the massive cock… I thought of the skinny girl, and how she managed, and I even looked around for her briefly… But I couldn’t locate her, so I went on to see what would be the end of the red-head. She tried to leave the fat guy, while he kept on stocking himself… she failed… the fat guy grabbed her from the left ankle, pulled her near him… She tried to crawl away, falling on her belly in her attempt, revealing two perfectly shaped but cheeks… I wanted to rape her, there and then… So did the fat man…her checks trembled, a light, soft tremble. The fat man grabbed her hair, pulled her head back forcing her to arch, placed his fully – I hoped! – erect cock on her asshole and then in an instant that felt like eternity let all his weight fall on that point… The red-head stretched, her fingers dug in the carpet she was lying on and then a tear dropped from her eye; she turned around, stared at me what could only be an invitation and then grabbed the ass checks of the fat man, carving red lines of pleasure and lust…

I was enchanted… And at that moment I was discussed; I realised that my hand was empty. I scanned the room in a vain attempt to find her… I wanted to scream, call her to me, take her away, leave… But instead I studied the room… A huge hall with a central staircase leading to an upper floor from either side; I looked up, but there were no visible marks, just tinted glass and mirrors. The party was all in the hall… Red carpets, thick and rich covered the floor with yellow, brown and orange tribal patterns embroidered in the centre. All furniture was made from ebony, and they looked as if they were all shaped based on human body shapes and angles. I realised that this room was not a random place; my mind switched from concern and worry to questions and coincidences, I became more perceptive of my surrounding environment and more open to my senses and intuition… Something felt out of place…

I had to find her, but I could not go any step further before I knew what was bothering me. I noticed that some had a magnetic effect on me and others were just shadows, indifferent and uninteresting to my eyes… I need to know if they were real… The atmosphere was getting heavy. Something was out of place, but I was too uptight to place it…

Besides, I needed to find fer…

here we go again...

2007-11-22T13:12:00.000Z

Empty threats...

Dogs that bark, but never bite...

Big words, even bigger threats, but no action...

Funny is it not? Because people do this, and because they get away with it, they think that it can be applied in every situation, on every person, in any environment... All well, until the run-in with that person who will not appreciate it, will not allow it, and will not tolerate it...

And when they warn, we treat it as every other case, as any other occasion... as an empty, void, insubstantial sentence...

Take heed in this: not everything is the same... not all perceive things the same way and not everybody will tolerate it... And not everyone has the same friendly and harmless way of reacting and responding to somethings...

Keeping it short and sweet... I have tried my best to be civil, honest, straightforward and understanding... I have received the same from some, and those i thank and appreciate. They have nothing to worry about...

The rest...

It is quite simple... Stop now, or deal with the consequences... And there will be consequences... There will be meddling, there will be dirt, there will be pain, but worse for you, there will be my revenge and payback to you somewhere in between, somewhere between the lines, where you cannot see it, cannot feel it and cannot link it back to me... But it will be there...

So think... Would you rather enjoy your 10 minutes of triumph now and in return suffer years and years of worrying where it will come from and what it will be, constantly looking over your shoulder, never being really relaxed and free, thinking that I now vow to you that if you do not back off and look the other way, mind your own business - or come forward and level with me if you have any balls and dont want to be crushed under a sea of pain, regret and remorse - I will make it a purpose in my life to ruin you, your loved ones and anything that you touch, until you cry your blood and then some...

Think about it... and consider yourself warned...
dead bodies everywhere

GnR

2007-11-15T15:39:00.000Z

1990!?

What happened then? Did they have any world wars? Any major problems that we do not have today?

Nothing major really, other than the poor Russians loosing the Cold War and going back 15 years, and the Americans thinking that they have a dick that can reach everywhere and everything – so they set to conquer the world, but god forbid that anyone says so! It is humanitarian help, not imperialism!!! Yet people, and artists in particular had something to say…

Sure, every ear has its light and dark side… its light and heavy aspect…
Every era has the group that sees everything peachy and rosy, and the group that sees everything worse, darker than it might actually be… But at least they had that… What do we have today?

Yeah baby, I know… I know I am dark, but I can still love…
I know that I am dark, but I can still care…
I know that I am dark, but I can still dream that I can make a difference…

Saying things the way you see them and the way they are and not the way they want us to see them is not being dark in my world (it is making your life difficult and complicated though…)
Seeing things as others describe them and not challenge them, not questioning them… now, that’s something to be dark about…

Whoever finds and tells me where the following quote comes from wins my respect and a slave of their choice from today’s mass production industry of useless sacks of meat… (don’t worry, you don’t get me, I am already taken…)

“My hands are tied
For all I’ve seen has changed my min
But still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of god or human rights
‘Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized
Who carry the cross of homicide
And history bears the scars of our civil wars”

Reach for the stars…

2007-11-11T16:13:00.001Z

There I was… lying on the beach; a clear night with no moon, all stars visible; countless; a vast universe reminding me how small and insignificant we are… How petty little grievances have no impact, no meaning, and no substance…

The sand was still warm from the sun’s radiant glow, and the water was dark… still… I looked at it intently… It was calling me… I was sober and my mind was drifting already towards the familiar darkness, trying to call something to accompany me in this beautiful night… But my heart wanted to remain alone, unaccompanied from anything or anyone… The water was mesmerizing, welcoming my solitude and my request for privacy…

I stripped… As nature gave birth to me… I walked towards the water…

Pitch black, still… A cold sensation, a unique bite on my soul for every step I took… A bite that brought back sad memories and consumed them instantly, leaving me happier, lighter, free with every step… Soon I went under, but there were still so many to go through…

How many times must I go through this? How many times will I need to repeat this to cleanse myself?

Ignorance

2007-11-02T23:27:00.001Z

I wander if many know how it is to live in fear…
To live in fear caused by knowledge… driven and verified by experience… Ignorance is bliss… But no one can achieve ignorance…

Fear… of acknowledging emotions, of expressing ideas, of hurting feelings… Fear of causing pain. Fear of insulting someone’s beliefs, fear of proving someone wrong… Fear of being an outcast, fear of being part of the group… Anywhere you look there is a constant trade off, a constant reminder of things that should not be done in a certain way because there may be a caveat…

I don’t like fear, yet I live with it everyday…

I do not allow myself to be as I want, as I like, out of pretentious respect to others; others that would never return the favor, others that will never go out of their way to not insult me, to not take advantage of me… Leeches… sucking my blood, sucking my energy with a master mind plan, well hidden behind everyday activities… And where in an other world, in my dream world these would have been hanged from their feet and HIV positive terminal patients would scull fuck them for pleasure so others could learn from their mistakes, today I need to bend over and spread my legs, open wide and moan with pleasure, only because there is no plausible alternative…

So be it… Friends no more… To secure peace is to prepare for war…

And as in all cases, if you force any living creature, no matter how low it lies in the food chain, to the edge it will fight for survival, so will I… I will fight for the survival of my mental (fractured and sick as it may be) health… I will fight with any means necessary, and if I have to, I will take shelter in my own little world, where I cannot hurt you, and you cannot touch me... simply because you would not dare even look twice there, let alone enter for a split of a second…

You see, my world is full of pain, agony and lust… And as a prerequisite, you need to loose your mind and shed your ethical and moral limitations before you go through that portal… sure you can re-assume them afterwards, but only once you’ve been through…

Once I told you that humans cannot stand being naked in front of each other, not unless it is pitch dark or they have spent enough time to build confidence (or fail-safes), because they will need to be in terms with themselves to do so…

I can walk naked down the road… Will I be allowed to do so?

I cannot find words to express my feelings…

2007-11-02T22:22:00.000Z

In fact, I don’t think I have any feelings any longer… The only emotions that I have, that I experience are hostility, anger, repulsion, disgust… I am also tired…

All I want is to go into an era, long forgotten, long past…
All I want is to go into a fight. No rules, no limits, no restraints, no remorse… Just be in a fight…

Walk into the arena… No loyalties, no alliances, no friends, no enemies. Just survival. You will betray. You will be betrayed. Accept it, embrace it, live with it. You will have enemies, not friends. You can only rely on primitive feelings, archetypal memories deeply buried under years of suppressed feelings. I will betray you, I will taunt you, I will use you, I will love you, I will hurt you and I will kill you, irrelevant of what I will feel afterwards… I will enjoy every single moment of it, because I know of the pain that will follow…

I will walk in the middle of the arena, I will stare everyone, straight in the eyes and I will challenge every single one; taunt them, provoke them… Try to make them attack me… Try to make them hostile… It will make everything easier after that…

Coming from every direction, it is easier to deal with… All I need to do is flow amongst them, hit anywhere there is an opening; dodge the strong ones, allow the weak ones to connect, make them think that I am getting tired, that I am weakening… Make them drop their defenses, make them be less aware…

And then… I will hit… Hard… aim to kill, aim to hurt… No pattern, no sequence, no plan… no more calculated actions, no longer connected to conscience and reason… Soon, I am beat… Soon I will lose… But I am filled with energy… pain reminds me that I still feel… I need to numb my senses, I need to obscure my mind… Pause, for a glimpse… I look at my hands… covered in blood, torn so much and so hard from the teeth of my victims and their bones… the skin is no longer on the knuckles, my fingers broken… that image is stimulating my anger, the pain feeds my rage… my old friend returns… rage… everything is covered in a red vale…

I look again, only to see that I am the last man standing, my hands wrapped around the neck of an unknown, innocent for all intents and purposes man, dead, with a snapped neck, glassy eyes and a contorted face, a mask representing the pain I caused him before I terminated his life…

Stray Souls

2007-10-29T13:29:00.000Z

They wander aimlessly in the unseen, dark spectrums of our daily lives…
They steal our emotions, our ideas, our fears, our energy…
They are harmless. They are there.

I only realised that I could see them, hear them, smell them, accept them when I was 5 but I only recently acknowledged them. And only after I was forced into doing so…

I am now 12 and I know more that most will not even imagine in their lifetimes… I have the power of knowledge and the burden of not being able to share it. I tried… I tried sharing, I tried telling people around me, family, friends, strangers… They all treated me as a child with vivid imagination… When things became a bit more complicated for me, fear struck my family and my friends. The later, slowly but steadily, isolated me and my parents – out of fear of what might become of me – took me to psychiatrists… Only one listened, and she was too scared to continue… The rest just stated that I was normal, that all kids have the same issues and some stated that I needed to be treated… Soon, after their recommendations settled well within my parents’ minds, I was hospitalised in a clinic as a psychopath with delusional schizophrenia… I was 11 when that happened…

A year has changed me… A day is like a year where I am going; every single moment with my soul… I found that out very soon and the fact that it applies to other relative measurements irrelevant to what I knew so far… I accumulated wealth of knowledge and experiences far beyond any level that I could ever imagine… In return, I gave up my innocence, my childhood, my dreams, my playtime…

I am now 376 years old, with knowledge, experience and nightmares that come along, in a 12 year-old body… Things are not good for me any longer, things do not look promising or easy…

I am now 2566 years old… I have seen things… I have felt the pain of loss, the joy of conquer, the sorrow of defeat… I have seen the rise and fall of empires… I have orchestrated the rise and fall of empires… The tides of time have touched me in such ways that it is next to impossible to remember how or what I once might have been… I am now timeless, ethereal, trapped in the eyes of an 18 year-old boy… This vessel is pleasing, this time is promising… I have now a personal agenda and a personal drive… I have no fear left in me… I no longer intend to hide… I intend to evolve, I intend to grow, I intend to escape…

leave...

2007-10-25T20:03:00.000+01:00

I want to leave civilization... I want to go away... I am isolated within it and can still survive... I can do so elsewhere... I want to live in fear, under the regime of survival of the fittest! I want to be able to respond as I feel and as I want to challenges... Challenges that are made under false pretenses, under the illusion of security provided by the Big Brother... Challenges that I live unanswered and hanging... Haunting me until I manage to satisfy my needs, my wants...

Alas, when I do, I do so in such manner that it simply is not acceptable by my peers... And since neither party involved in this uncomfortable situation is willing to bulge in principle, the only reasonable solution is to diverse the conflicting paths...

Not always pleasant, and more often than not not desirable, this separation is necessary for survival... maybe not physical but definitely mental and emotional survival...

If only it was that simple...
If only you new...

Truth?

2007-10-25T13:43:00.000+01:00

Truth hurts…
It is unwelcome… It does not allow us to act as we want, as we are unable to limit truth to its benefits only… we have to accept the negatives as well… And that will result in us looking at our fears, at our drawbacks, at our mistakes and at our wrong doings… Above all, it will make us face them, whether we like it or not…

I can go on and on and on… But I don’t want to… Instead, I want to be free… Of any remorse, of any concern… I want to be fair and honest… But it turns out that if and when I am, I still do it on my own personal basis, and that results in others being unhappy… I can live with that. Hell, I am expected to respect and abide to their whims and their desires, and I try to do so, to the best of my ability. But I am unfair and unreasonable to expect understanding and sympathy… to expect equal treatment…

So be it… I grew up knowing that I will understand few people in my lifetime, and even less will understand me… I know that none will ever accept me as I am, and yet I still chose to be that way… Therefore I am selfish and arrogant…

So be it… I am... I am also stubborn, know-it-all, loud, hairy and all sorts of other nasty things… I know that, and I do not (or try not to…) get upset when someone points at me and says that I am… It is too much to expect that from others… And as I grow older and unfortunately not wiser, I realise that… I will learn at some point not to do it… I have to…

In the mean time, I will crawl to my little dark corner and hide, licking my wounds and cherishing the fact that I can still enter and leave a fight… without biting innocents… I will cherish the fact that I can now control myself to do that, and I will mourn and howl to the moon as loud and as long as I can for my loss… my loss of hope, my loss of salvation, my confirmation of solitude…

As said in the past… my choice, my burden, my problem… my words…

Ισως να φτανει μονο αυτο...

2007-10-23T11:58:00.000+01:00

Ισως να φτανει μονο αυτο...
μια ματια σαν βροχη, μια τελευταια προσευχη, ενα ταξιδι μακρινο, μονο αυτο....

Στιχοι απο ενα τραγουδι με μεγαλη σημασια, και ακομη μεγαλητερη ιστορια για καποιους... Πανε πολλα χρονια απο τοτε, κοντευουν δεκα... Και ομως... Οι αναμνησεις ειναι εδω, ειναι δυνατες, ειναι υπαρκτες... Ειναι αξεπεραστες...

Η ερωτηση πολυ ευστοχη.... Ειναι κατι που το θελεις ακομη, ειναι κατι που σου λειπει? Και οπως σε καθε δυσκολη ερωτηση, η απαντηση ειναι η ιδια... Ειναι μια πολυ καλη ερωτηση...

Διακατεχομαι απο την χειροτερη αδυναμια (ή απο τις χειροτερες αδυναμιες του ανθρωπινου ειδους κατα την γνωμη μου) οσο αφορα αποφασεις που σχετιζονται με τις προτιμισεις..... Δεν μπορω να βρω λεξη να περιγραψω αυτην την αδυναμια... Ειμαι πολυ φτωχος στο πνευμα για να το κανω αυτο... Ειναι ομως κυριο γνωρισμα τις ανθρωπινης φυσης, και ολοι, λιγο πολυ, το εχουν βιωσει σε καποια στιγμη... Ειναι το συναισθημα της αλλαγης της γνωμης μολις εχεις αφησει κατι πισω, μολις εχεις αποφασισει οτι δεν το θελεις πλεον... Δεν μπορεσα ποτε να εντοπισω την ριζα του προβληματος, ισως γιατι ποτε δεν εψαξα βαθια, η σωστα... Ομως το εχω βιωσει, το βιωνω καθημερινα, και συχνα πυκνα χανω περιτρανα την μαχη... Ειναι ξεκαρδιστικο το λιγοτερο οταν συμβαινει, και ακομη περισσοτερο οταν προβαλω σθεναρη – αλλα κατα τα αλλα εικονικη αντισταση, αφου εκ τον προτερων ξερω πως θα... ενδωσω...

Ειδα χτες το βραδυ την αγαπη μου την Ριτα, κλωτσαγε τον Πυργο, εριχνε πετρες στα Καραβια...

Εχω καιρο να δω την αγαπη... την αποζητω και την χρειαζομαι, τοσο εντονα και απεγνωσμενα οσο την κοροιδευω, την κατακρινω και την αποφευγω... Ισως δω την Ριτα ομως...

The rappist

2007-10-09T14:40:00.000+01:00

He silently stared… He scanned the public… He knows what to look for. He senses the guilt, he senses the fault, he senses the wrong doing of each and every individual. He can also sense the weight of the crime and give sentence… He does not need justification, he does not need cause, he does not need confirmation or approval… All he needs is to sense it.

There it is… Rape… Pleasure for the action… Pride… For doing the act… For getting away with it… There is no anger in him… He can sense this; he can sense it… He can sense all of this and still no hint of feeling surfaces; no rage, no pain, no remorse, no guilt, no regret… No hint of emotion… Only calculated actions… One verdict…. Death.

He follows the rapist. He is completely unnoticed. In fact, there is no hint of his existence. He is an instrument of punishment. He is a tool for revenge…

He follows the rapist. Into the train. Destination unknown… It does not matter… There is no where to go to afterwards… As the sentence is served, the next one will surface…

Distance… There is no time element… The rapist gets off the train, and walks into the crowd… He follows… No one pays any attention to him, no one wastes a second glance for him...

He follows him into a dark alley… No lights… The rapist is feeling excited… He looks around, lost in the comfort of his own thoughts… Silently, he approaches… A quick flash… The rapist has been served with the appropriate penalty…

Αποφυγη…

2007-10-09T14:38:00.002+01:00

Συνεχεια σε ενα ατελειωτο παιχνιδι αποφυγης ευθυνων και υπαιτιοτητας…

Δεν ξερω τι λεω! Ολα ειναι καλα, η αληθεια να λεγεται…
Δεν εχω καποιο ιδιεταιρο προβλημα, δεν αντιμετωπιζω καμια μεγαλη κριση ουτε υποφερω απο καποια μεγαλη ανιατη αρωστια. Η υγεια μου ειναι οσο καλα δεδομενων των ιδιαιτεροτητων μου και των τωρινων συνθηκων και ειναι στο χερι μου να την βελτιωσω κι αλλο αν θελω… Αρα?

Αρα το θεμα ειναι οτι δεν εχω καποιο προβλημα να με κραταει απασχολημενο! Ή απλα δεν ειμαι ποτε ικανοποιημενος… Δεν ξερω, δεν μπορω να αποφασισω… Παντως υπαρχει θεμα… Μπορω να το αποδεχτω αυτο, και μπορω να ζησω με την γνωση πως αυτο θα ειναι παντοτε το σεναριο μου. Υπαρχει λογος να το παλαιυω αυτο? Υπαρχει λογος να το ανασκαλευω συνεχως? Μαλλον οχι. Οπως δεν υπαρχει και λογος να χανω χρονο και ενεργεια για αυτο.

Ουφ… Καινουργια μερα… Ισως σημερα να ειναι διαφορετικα, ισως οχι… Οι μερες περνανε, ο καιρος χανεται και το κοστος ειναι μεγαλυτερο απο αυτο που φανταζομαστε σημερα, τωρα… Μηπως αυτο απο μονο του αξιζει να θυσιασεις το σημερα? Ή μηπως αυτο ειναι ο απολυτος λογος για να ζησεις το σημερα, αγνοοντας και αδιαφοροντας εντελως για το αυριο?

Ολο ερωτησεις και αμπελοφυλοσοφιες! Παω να πιω τον καφε μου…

Αυτοκτονία

2007-10-09T14:38:00.001+01:00

Ειμαι στο γραφειο μου… Προσπειουμαι οτι δουλευω…
Ξαφνικα ενα ελικοπτερο ακουγεται… Πεταει χαμηλα… Πολυ χαμηλα, διπλα μας. Ο Τονι γυρναει, με κοιταει και με σοβαρο υφος με ρωταει τι εκανα… Κολακευομαι… Ευτυχως ή δυστυχως δεν ειναι για μενα…

Κοιταμε στο βαθος… Ενα τραινο εχει σταματησει, και ολοι τριγυρω μου εχουν σηκωθει και παρακολουθουν. Καποιος λεει με κρυα, στεγνη και χωρις συναισθημα φωνη, γεματη με προσποιητη συμπονια πως καποιος πηδηξε μπροστα στο τραινο…

Γελαω… Με κοιτανε παραξεν, με υφος γεματο απορια και κατακριτικοτητα… Ισως να αναρωτιουνται γιατι… Δεν εχουν αδικο… Και εγω πολλες φορες αναρωτιεμαι… Δεν θα προσποιηθω ομως• δεν θα πω πως με ενδιαφερει για να νιωσουν αυτοι καλυτερα ή για να σταματησουν να με κοιτανε…

Η πρωτη μου σκεψη ειναι πως αυτος/η γλιτωσε!!
Η δευτερη, πως οποιος και οτι και να ηταν, ηταν πολυ δειλο αυτο που εκανε…
Η τριτη, και αυτη που μοιραστηκα με τον Τονι ειναι πως ειναι πολυ αδικο αυτο που εκανε. Με κοιταζει, οχι με απορια ουτε με περιφρονηση, αλλα με κατανοηση. Κατι τετοιες στιγμες ειναι που νιωθω πως δεν ειμαι μονος μου…

Η αυτοκτονια, λεει, ειναι μια πραξη ανιδιοτελης… Παρε φορα και πεθανε μονος σου αν θελεις. Αλλα το να καταστρεφεις την ζωη ενος αλλου ανθρωπου που δεν εχει καμια ευθηνη ειναι εγκληματικο. Ισως τα λογια αυτα να μην ηταν δικα του, να ηταν δικα μου. Ισως οχι… Οπως και να εχει, ειπωθηκαν και με εκφραζουν απολυτα.

Ενα ειναι σιγουρο ομως… Η αυτοκτονια ειναι δειλη πραξη… Οσο και οτι και να περασω, παντα θα το πιστευω αυτο…

Το τραινο ειναι ακομη ακει… Εχω αρχισει τα μακαβρια αστεια, και οι Αγγλοι τριγυρω μου εχουν μια φατσα που ξερω πολυ καλα τι σημαινει… Τρομο, φοβο και απεχθεια…

Αναμεσα στο σφυρι και το αμονι...

2007-09-19T10:56:00.001+01:00

Καθολου ευχαριστη θεση να εισαι... Και ομως οι περισσοτεροι θα βρεθουμε σε αυτην ειτε το θελουμε ειτε οχι... Θα λυγισουμε, θα υποχωρισουμε, θα αποχωρισουμε... γενικοτερα θα αλλαξουμε πορεια και θεση. Αυτοι που θα αποφασισουν πως θα επιβιωσουν απο αυτη τη θεση θα χαρακτηριστουν απο τον κοινωνικο περιγυρω ως ανωμαλοι ή τουλαχιστον πνευματικα ασταθεις...

Εγω προσωπικα απολαμβανω την πιεση, η αληθεια να λεγετε... Το ζορι μου ειναι πως πολυ λιγοι ανθρωποι στην ζωη μου συμφωνουν με αυτην μου την προδιαθεση και αποψη, και κατα συνεπεια δεν μπορω να μοιραστω την χαρα μου, ουτε μπορω να βρω λυση και ηρεμια οταν νιωθω πως πρεπει να εξηγησω τα παντα απο το μηδεν σε καθε βημα και αποφαση. Δεν ειναι ομως ετσι ακριβως τα πραγματα...

Ειναι πολυ πιο απλα, και πολυ πιο ελεγχομενα... Δηλαδη.. Πιστευω πως δεν μπορεις να εχεις υπο ελεγχο τον περιγυρω σου – και πιστευω πως ουτε πρεπει – οπως δεν μπορεις να ελεγχεις τις πραξεις και τις διαθεσεις των αλλων (αν και πιστευω οτι μπορεις να τις επιρεασεις και να τις ”καθοδηγισεις”!). Αρα το δεδομενο για μενα ειναι πως μπορω να αλλαξω και να επιρεασω και να απολογηθω μονο για τις δικες μου πραξεις... Το προβλημα λοιπον ειναι δικο μου, αρα δικια μου και η λυση. Η λυση λοιπον ειναι απλη – καθολου ευχαριστη, αλλα απλη.... Οι ανθρωποι που δεν συμφωνουν και δεν κατανοουν τις πραξεις μου και τις αποψεις μου αξιζουν καθε σεβασμο – κι οι περισσοτεροι τον απολαμβανουν κι ολας.... Αλλα δεν αξιζουν ουτε δικαιουνται μια θεση στην ζωη μου. Και αυτο οχι γιατι εχουν δικιο ή αδικο, σωστο ή λαθος... Απλα γιατι εχω λιγη ενεργεια, λιγοτερη ορεξη, και καθολου διαθεση να αλλαξω οτιδηποτε για να κρατησω καποιον στη ζωη μου που δεν εχουμε κανενα σημειο τομης.

Συμπερασμα...?

Κανενα... Εκει που ειμασταν, εκει ειμαστε παλι! Η μοναξια ειναι λοιπον επιλεκτικη και αυτοεπιβαλομενη.... Αρα δεν εχω κανενα δικαιωμα να παραπονιεμαι, να γκρινιαζω και να μεμψυμοιρω! Μπορω ομως να ονειρευομαι, ετσι δεν ειναι?

Μια διαφορετικη πλευρα...

2007-09-11T22:33:00.000+01:00

Κοιτωντας ψηλα...

Ενας καθαρος ουρανος με καταλευκα συννεφα με σκεπαζει...
Ενας ηλιος ακτινοβολει, με μισος, τις πολυτιμες ακτινες του αφου μονο τις σπαταλαμε, καλυπτοντας την φυση. Η βοη και οι ξενοι ηχοι απομακρυνονται απο κοντα μου... Τιποτα δεν με αγγιζει...

Ταξιδευω...

Με μαγευτικη ανεση κινουμαι αναμεσα στο πληθος, κοροϊδευοντας και χλευαζοντας τις ανεπαρκεις και περιορισμενες προσπαθειες τους να ξεφυγουν... Μακαριζω την ανεπαρκεια τους, γιατι με αφηνει να πορευομαι ξεκουραστα και καταριεμαι την ιδια στιγμη αυτη την κατασταση γιατι με περιοριζει τοσο!

Οι επιλογες ειναι τοσες πολλες, ο χρονος τοσο λιγος και τα επιπεδα ενεργειας τοσο χαμηλα, που μονο αν επικεντρωθω σε μια και μονο μια δραστηριοτητα θα μπορεσω να καταφερω κατι... Και ομως... Δεν με τρομαζει, ουτε με φοβιζει... Απλα με απογοητευει, γιατι πρεπει να αφησω κατι, πρεπει να παραιτηθω απο πραγματα, απο ονειρα, απο φιλοδοξιες και να αποφασισω τωρα για το μακρινο μελλον...

Κοιτοντας ευθεια...

Χαος... Σειρηνες, κορνες, κινητα, βοη και συνοθηλεμα ηχων... ξενων, τεχνιτων και αφυσικων... Ρομποτ πανομοιωτυπα, το καθε μοντελο απολυτα εξελιγμενο και εξειδικευμενο στον τομεα του, σαν να εχει υλοποιηθει μια νουβελα του Asimov... Μπορει η τεχνιτη νοημοσυνη να μην ειναι οπως την φανταστηκαν και την παρουσιασαν οι ταινειες επιστημονικης φαντασιας, αλλα ειναι εδω και κυριαρχει...

Χαος...

Οι δρομοι γεματοι αβεβαιοτητα, γεματοι αγωνια και γεματοι φοβο... Κανενα κενο, κανενα ανοιγμα... Καμια ευκαιρεια για τον διστακτικο και τον αναποφασιστο... Ο Δαρβινος ηξερε πολυ καλα τι ελεγε και τι παρουσιαζε στην θεωρια της φυσικης επιλογης! Οι δεινοσαυροι δεν μας διδαξαν τιποτα... ουτε καμια μορφη ιστοριας... Η επιβιωση δεν ειναι επιλογη, ειναι καθαρα θεμα ενστικτου... Μονο που τωρα πια το ενστικτο ειναι καθαρα ηλεκτρονικο... Οποιος εχει αποδεχτει, και εχει αποφασισει πως η ζωη πισω απο μια οθονη ειναι πιο θελκτικη απο την πραγματικοτητα εχει κερδισει τον πολεμο... Η μαχη εχει χαθει προ πολλου... Κι ομως... παλι επιβιωνεις... υπαρχει ακομη χωρος για να ελιχθεις, να κινηθεις με ανεση και ασφαλεια σε προσωπικο μοτιβο... Διαφορετικα απο πριν, ομως το ιδιο συναρπαστικο και το ιδιο εντονο... απο μια διαφορετικη πλευρα...

Το μονο που χρειαζεται ειναι μια αλλαγη προοπτικης και μια αναθεωριση αξιων... Η μαλλον μια επανατοποθετηση... Οταν αντιμετωπιζεις το διλημα αλλαξε η χασου, τοτε τα πραγματα ειναι απλα...

Μπορει να ειναι μονο μια η κατευθυνση που μπορει να παρει καποιος, αλλα σιγουρα δεν ειναι μονο ενας ο δρομος... Παντοτε μπορεις να χαραξεις την δικια σου πορεια, με τον αναλογο κοπο και το αναλογο κοστος φυσικα...

...

2007-09-02T16:42:00.000+01:00

A society based on moral values…
A society based on free people…
A society where equality is not a game of balances but a sharp and unforgiving blade…

Do you want to live there? Do you find the idea attractive? Pleasing? Reasonable?
There is no room for these notions in that society…
There is no room for mistakes in that society…
There is no room for forgiving in that society…
There is only mercy in that society…
There are no longer words to express regret and remorse…
There are no longer words to express acceptance…
There are no longer words to express rejection…

There are only actions…
There are only actions to show…
There are only actions to follow…
There are only actions to express…

Sometime ago… a time long forgotten and destroyed as an outcome of its own decadence…

Sometime ago, people used words to apologize…
Sometime ago, people used word to accuse…
Sometime ago, people used words to express laws…
Sometime ago, people used words to implement laws…

Words…
Words are good only if everyone has the same understanding for those used…

I meet people that remind me that I now live an empty life…

2007-07-27T20:29:00.000+01:00

I meet people that remind me that I now live an empty life… One that is satisfactory for me, but still empty… What confuses me is that I always get my way – just not when I want – but still I know that once I put my mind at something, I do get it done…

And this is in my mind – filling my life again with love. But no matter how strong and how persistent this idea is, it is still not enough to get me acting on it… And the major problem is that there is nothing to act upon, for I have not found what it is that I seek to love, what it is that I want; therefore there is nothing to chase, nothing to pursue…

Actually, there are plenty to chase and pursue… Just not strong enough to channel energy to them… It becomes all the more difficult as time passes to find out. The only thing I do know is that I find al the more difficult to express my thoughts, to follow them again. Once I believed that this would be resolved as time went by; once I believed that this would also mean that I can no longer be productive, be creative – in my own pathetic and useless way – but now I realize that this is the way I truly am and there is no point wasting energy for any effort to change this… Maybe utilize it, or maybe harness it and exploit it, but not change it…

Is this a hint of fear? A trace of remorse? Is this a pathetic attempt to draw attention to yourself? The past is gone, what’s done is done… Does this mean that it should never be repeated? Isn’t that the foundation of knowledge and the basis of history? That everything is a vicious circle and everything repeats? And isn’t that knowledge and that understanding what differentiates those who win from those who loose? Isn’t that what is experience?

Isn’t experience the accumulated knowledge and the understanding of not only the successful but also the unsuccessful actions and series of events? And is it not good use of experience the ability to harness this knowledge and use it in such way as to not fall in the same traps and mistakes again?

Have I lost my mind again? Have I lost my ability to understand and learn?

Am I a lost cause?

Θρηνω...

2007-07-04T14:10:00.001+01:00

Για την καταντια μας...
Για την αδιαφορια μας...
Για την ανευθυνοτητα μας...

Αλλα περισσοτερο απο ολα θρηνω γιατι οτι ειχα, οτι αναμνηση, ωραια εικονα και μοναδικη στιγμη ειχα, την απομακρυναν απο εμενα και την βιασαν. Και για να ολοκληρωσουν την επιτυχια τους, με αναγκασαν να βλεπω, να ακουω και σε μια περιπτωση να βιωσω με απολυτη οπτικο-ακουστικη καλυψη αυτον τον βιασμο...

Πρωτα η Πεντελη, μετα ο Υμητος, μετα η Παρνηθα, και παλι απο την αρχη, μεχρις οτου δεν υπαρχει τιποτα αλλο...
Και ολο αυτο το καιρο, καθομαι αμετοχος και δειλος, εκτοξευοντας σκληρα κατηγωρω και μεταφεροντας τις ευθηνες και τις αιτιες σε αλλους... Ισως γιατι ειναι πολυ δυσκολο να αποδεχτω πως το λαθος ειναι δικο μου...

Στην δικη μου περιπτωση, η ελλειψη διαθεσης να παλαιψω και να προστατεψω κατι που αγαπαω με ανταλαγμα την ικανοποιηση της φιλοδοξιας μου... Σε αλλες περιπτωσεις, η ελλειψη συνειδητοποιησης , η ελλειψη ενδιαφεροντος, το απολυτο - αλλα πραλληλα αληθινο - πιστευω πως δεν μπορει να γινει αλλιως, η διαθεση να πιστεψει καποιος πως απλα ετυχε λογο των καιρικων φαινομενων, κ η λιστα μπορει να συνεχιστει για πολυ ακομη... Αλλα σε ολες τις περιπτωσεις, ενας ειναι ο κοινος παρονομαστης: το λαθος ειναι δικο μου...
Που πιστεψα πως καποιος(α) ανεγκεφαλος(η) πολιτικος παραγωντας θα σταματουσε οικιοθελως, και θα αντιλαμβανοταν την βαρυτητα και το μεγεθος των παραλογων και ηλιθιωδων πραξεων του/της. Θα σταματουσε αυτη την κουρσα διακρισης και κυριαρχιας ενος ηδη κυριευμενου πλυθισμου, κοιμισμενου πισω απο προσκαιρες και συντομες ανασες ζωης...

Κλαιω, γιατι αυτες οι στιγμες δεν θα ξαναυπαρξουν ποτε, οι εικονες αυτες δεν θα περασουν ποτε σε καποιο πιτσιρικι... Κλαιω γιατι οσο περναει ο χρονος, υπαρχουν ολο και λιγοτεροι λογοι να κοιτας το αυριο με ελπιδα κ με αισιοδοξια...

Κλαιω γιατι θελω να σταματησω να μισω και να θελω να κατακρεουργισω τους υπευθηνους αυτου του βιασμου... Κλαιω γιατι θελω να φτιαξω αυτο το χαλι ωστε να θελησω να ξαναζησω αυτα που καθημερινα καποιοι μου κλεβουν και μου στερουν...

Κλαιω και θρηνω γοερα γιατι χανω καθε μερα την ψυχη μου... καποιος μου την κλεβει...

Konstantinos

Σταματα να σκεφτεσαι...

2007-07-03T15:17:00.000+01:00

- Μα δεν ξεκινησα ποτε!
- Ναι, το εχουμε καταλαβει αυτο... Ομως πρεπει να καταλαβασεις πως με το να σκεφτεσαι, κανεις κακο. Κανεις κακο σε εμας, κανεις κακο σε εσενα, τον εαυτο σου, κανεις κακο στο κοινονικο σου συνολο...
- Για στασου λιγο! Εγω ποτε δεν ασχολυθηκα με το κοινονικο μου συνολο, ουτε με τον κοινονικο μου περιγυρο, ουτε με οτιδηποτε αλλο κοινονικο συσχετισμο μπορεις να κανεις.
- (Ισως γι'αυτο να εισαι στην κατασταση που εισαι...)
- Παρακαλω? Ειπες κατι?
- Οχι... Και δεν αναρωτηθηκες ποτε τι επιτωσεις μπορει να εχει...
- Οπα! Τωρα δεν μου ειπες πως πρεπει να σταματησω να σκεφτομαι?
- Ναι, συγνωμη, λαθος μου...
- Ακομη δεν εχω πιστει! Και αν σταματησω να σκεφτομαι, τι θα κανω?
- Μα τωρα πια υπαρχουν τοσες πολλες ενδιαφερουσες δραστηριοτητες που μπορεις να κανεις...
- Δεν αναφερεσαι...? Ουτε για αστειο...
- Ξερω τις αποψεις σου και την θεση σου, αλλα κανεις λαθος. Και εξαλλου, κοιτα τριγυρω σου! Εισαι πλεον γραφικη φιγουρα με το να αντιτιθεσαι σε αυτο?
- Σε ποιο?
- Στο να μην σκεφτεσαι...
- Μα δεν σκεφτομαι...
- Πως? Συνεχως... ακομη και τωρα, συνεχως σκεφτεσαι τι προσπαθω να σε πεισω να κανεις.
- Δεν καταλαβαινω τι λες... Α...
- ΣΤΑΜΑΤΑ! ΟΣο σκεφτεσαι με πονας!
- Οριστε? Τι εννοεις? Ε...
- ΣΤΑΜΑΤΑ! Δεν το καταλαβαινεις? Με κουραζεις, με κανεις να δουλευω περισσοτερη ωρα, δεν ικανοποιεισαι με τιποτα, ποτε δεν ειναι αρκετο αυτο που κανω, και ακομη και στον υπνο σου με βιαζεις.
- Εγω? Με τι τροπο? Ποτε δεν ειχα τετοια διαθεση ή τετοια προθεση... Εγω με το μονο που ασχολουμαι ειναι το Μπιγκ Μπροδερ, το Σοκ, το Λοιπον, τι ειπε ο Κωστοπουλος, ποιος χωρισε με ποιαν, απο ποιον εκλεψε ο ταδε την δινα, και παντα προσπαθω να απαντησω το αιωνιο ερωτημα μου... Ο Σακης ειναι αντρας ή γαϋ? Και ποιος πηδαγε ποιον τελικα, ο Σακης τον Ψινακη, ή ο Ψινακης τον Σακη?
- Σταματα, σε παρακαλω, μη σκεφτεσαι αλλο... Δεν ειναι της μοδας, δες το απο αυτην την πλευρα! Σε ικετευω!!!
- Ασε με να το σκεφτω λιγο!
- Λοιπον... Τελευταια προειδοποιηση! Αν δεν σταματησεις να σκεφτεσαι, θα φυγω. Τελεσιδικο, αλλα δεν μου αφηνεις αλλη επιλογη...
- Να φυγεις? Και πως θα φυγεις δηλαδη! Εισαι δικο μου, και θα σκεφτομαι οσο θελω και οτι θελω!

Ετσι απεκτησε χωρο ο Λακης στο κρανιο του κ τωρα βγαζει μια περιουσια νοικιαζοντας το ως ποτιστρα για τα περιστερια στο Ζαπειο...

Looking and listening....

2007-06-28T11:28:00.000+01:00

A group of people, a collection of souls, eager to learn... eager to evolve...

A collective of individuals from around the world, bringing their personal demons, blessings, predjudisms, cultures and dreams in the same stage...

Eyes eager... eager to show professionalism, eager to absorb the feedback... I think I can smell their excitement and their fear...

And that is making things even more interesting and exciting...
Will there be any stimulus for me?
Will I find something to occupy my mind?
Will I be able to understand their message? see it through their eyes?

Can you feel the pain?
Can you see the reasons?
Can you connect to the artist?

Drama, comedy, prose, satire, contact, dance... all separate actions and independent components, comprised in one sketch, with the aim to create something unique, something entirely new...

Wait...

This is not the message as intended... you are not looking...
You are not listening...

Can you read between the lines?

IS it as straight forward as that in the end? No hidden messages? No thought provoking actions?

Are you reading too much in a context that is not yours to judge and criticise, but one that you are called to look, listen and absorb?

Or are you reading nothing?

I am lost...

Well, what you need to do, is go thought the mist in a straight, reach the wall, climb on top of it, reach the fox, turn left, and when you run into the starving pack of wolves, start running left... If you escape them, reach another wall, climb over, catch your breath and ask again for directions, this time with the memory of survival and with a better appreciation for your life...

Hollow...

2007-06-01T23:43:00.000+01:00

I struggle to keep me full... I struggle to keep me busy, to keep me occupied, only to find out in the end that with all this, I am hollow... I talk and act on fumes, remnants of a previous time, a time long gone and forgotten... Well, long gone... not forgotten...

It makes me wander... have I been all these things? Yes, I have... I know I have and so do those that know me as well... But then... What has happened to me? why can I not find myself, find the energy and the will to be that again? Is it simply because I do not want to be the same again, or is it even simpler and by far harder to accept and move on?

Is it simply because I cannot be that again? Or is it because I don't want to overcome what I've been that I struggle so hard and desperately to remain true to a ghost?

Ghosts... Once I was told that I have too many, and I agreed... If only I knew then what I know now...

Don't get worried... I new nothing then, and I know nothing now...

Only then I didn't know it...

What is this?

2007-05-31T11:09:00.000+01:00

Lost in a maze... The sewers are not a nice place to be in, let alone being lost in them... Crap, I should have never taken on this... Fuck, they are gaining on me... I need to get a better look, see how many they are, what are they carrying.

"Look around... Nowhere to hide, nowhere to protect... A freaking tunnel, with dirty and smelly waters... How do you suppose you are going to do this?"

Oh, its you again... great... That is all I need now... A fucking split personality crisis... Just concentrate... It will go away soon...

"But you don't even have now... You need me, you need to embrace me..."

All I need is a rational plan, a rational approach to my problem... That is all I need... And then I will have my solution...

"Cold, calculative, methodical yes... Rational, no... Why the fuck would you want rational? Don't you think that everyone thinks of rational?"

Just leave me alone!

"Now, no need to shout, you will only make it easier for them to find us..."

THERE IS NO US! THere is ONLY me, and you are in the way!

- Over there, it came from the North junction... Quick, we are near!

"Tsk, tsk, tsk... Told you so... Now we have to fight..."

With what, our mental powers that deflect bullets, or our super powers?

"Well, there is

SHUT UP...

Run... Run as fast and as hard as you can...

Ooowwww... Shit... My head... It spins... and that hammering on my brain... terror... not again... and where are they? why have they not caught up yet? How long have I been out? Sun?

Where am I? Who... what... was it a dream? The smell... What am I covered with?
Blood? Am I injured?

refill

2007-04-21T11:18:00.000+01:00

I need to empty my mind and soul…

I need to refill my emptiness…

I need to be happy and funny again…

I need to be interesting again… To myself, not to others; according to my liking, not others…

I need to rethink my approach, but above all, I need to make real whatever I think about, instead of fretting my life with it…

I need to enjoy something again… And I must find that something again…

I used to have stories to tell. As time went by, I used to have more stories to tell, with no need to repeat or look back into the past for something to remember; only to tap into experience to improve or deal with a situation that needs to be dealt with…

Now, I have to look back to search for a time I was happy and interesting… Now I need to look back and think if I was ever happy or interesting. Why? Have I done everything to this point wrong? Have I been so blind and so narrow-sighted that I sacrificed everything in order to secure an imaginary future?

Well, there will be no future if I don’t create a present soon…

There is nothing left for me in my past, I have made sure of this with carefully calculated actions… I have no patience for the future, so all I have is the present…

Time to make something about it, is it not?

Time to change again… For a while…

As I said… When all else fails, try and try again…

Until success is achieved…

The end is the beginning is the end…

2007-04-01T17:58:00.000+01:00

Η ανάγκη να γραψω στην γλωσσα μου… τοσο εντονη κ παραλληλα τοσο απογοητευτικη αφου νιωθω ανασφαλεια (λογο ορθογραφικων λαθων κ μονο…) Ντροπη...

So it draws on to an end… to a new beginning, to an other end...

A full circle, it completed some time ago, only for a new one to begin, while still thinking of the one that had finished some time ago, only to realize how many have come and gone towards the end of the third consecutive one…

It only makes you wander… is it a loss that not all details were recorded or is it a sign that it simply was not interesting enough? Is it a mind game or cruel reality? Does it matter?

When do you know which piece of the puzzle you need to fit in to solve it? And if you do find out, do you still want to play the game or do you simply get bored and start searching a new game? How much comfort does statements of the likes of “it’s not the destination that matters but the journey?” offer to the mind? And how much do we think of the fact that no matter how good the journey is, you always end up somewhere… And unless that somewhere is worthwhile, then the journey is all you are left with… And all is fine and well if you have the luxury to embark to a new journey soon after… But what if that is not the case? What if the journey is that long that once it is finished, you can do nothing but stay in the destination and contemplate?

Doesn’t that make the destination equally important with the journey then?

Makes me wander if any of those who embrace and support this statement (and most relevant ones…) have actually embarked on any journey whatsoever, or have ever taken the time to think of a destination that they would like to reach…

Σκεψου… Δεν ειναι ντροπη! Απλα δεν ειναι τις μοδας…

no more

2007-03-25T17:50:00.000+01:00

Walk...
Look straight...
Do not look around, do not look sideways, you risk getting in trouble...
Do not make eye contact, you are provoking or interfering...
Walk faster...

No... No more... No longer....

Too long have I played along... Too long have I yielded and behaved as told so...

Never before has this happened, never again will it happen! I proved to myself and to others that I can do it... No more...

What can be done, can be undone... It can be changed... It can be altered...

No so easy, not so simple... True...

But still... attainable, achievable....

Above all...

Desirable. Needed. Required.

It is imperative... It is irreversible...

It must be done

Respect or Fear

2007-03-20T17:53:00.000Z

Confusion...

Is there a line that you cross and you just cannot stop questioning things and decisions? Is there a line that you cross and from then on you can never take a decision because it has a "wrong" color to it?

And where is that line, and who the fuck put it there?

I am struggling... Struggling to detain myself, struggling to keep on acting sensibly and cooperative... Safe...

Well, I am putting a great show apparently... In fact, so good, that I am beginning to doubt myself. But the show must not go on, at least not under this tune...

I am not a safe, controllable person... I am not sensible, and I am not peaceful...

I am being pushed to my limits... And I am scared... I am scared of my reaction... To long have I stayed inactive, too long have I played it safe and proper...

Too long...

And when things are inactive for too long, then there are too many things piling up, and all go out in one, little, sweet instance...

And I am afraid of that instance... I am afraid for the poor soul that will be the recipient of all this...

But I need to get it out... It is spilling over the edge as it is now, making things unpleasant... For everybody else, except me...

As always, my moto is with me, it is me...

you shall either respect me or fear me

Its been a while...

2007-03-17T11:44:00.001Z

Quite some time from the last time I took a break to unload my mind...

Even now, I cannot do it... I cannot take time off to do things I like. I am trapped into a vicious struggle, between my dream and my reality. Between my wants and my needs, between my insatiable hunger for success and achievement and my lust for everyday life.

Keeping a balance... Hah... I never did that, I never envisioned myself doing it, and therefore I cannot achieve it, I cannot materialise it, I do not want to.

So,it is down to a simple, cold, strict, calculated and irreversible decision that will define the course of action I will take, and will influence all actions for the time to come... This is not something new to me, nor is it something difficult to do...

And if I didn't know myself, and the commitment I can have, then it would be very easy to choose.

Only, I do not yield, I do not give up, even if that means that it will kill me. Therefore, any decision made - even out of stubbornness - will be seen through...

The problem is that I don't know - for a change! - what I want to see through...

year end...

2006-12-27T21:59:00.001Z

Time flies... I am lost in my past, dragged down in a nauseating spiral dive - one which I enjoy so much, but for the first time realise that I cannot afford it! I hate admitting it, but I have lost...

I have lost my will to roam aimlessly; I have lost the will to self-destruct in every opportunity I get... I now do it selectively, and I know its been pilling up for a while, so it is bound to be interesting when it surfaces... I pity the poor soul that will be around to witness and experience that... But then again they know where they were getting into in the first place...

I am bored...

Too much going on, some more important to me than others, all thinking that are more important than the other, and yet I am still bored... Nothing around to make my blood boil, to make my stomach crunch, to make me feel scared, to wake up old memories and habits...

I still have memories, but they fade out so so fast... I need to make new ones... I need a crew... I need partners in crime...

I need mayhem, confusion, chaos; the smell of fear and hate in the air is driving me mad...

All this tension, and yet no one has the balls to let it loose... And even when I try to do so... I get slapped on the hand!!!

This will get you that far... Tread carefully, two can play that game, and I do not like second.... is first looser...

Lost behind a pile of useless documents, books, accounts, bills, proposals and thoughts that are so scattered that it is a task simply to gather them all together, a task so tedious that it just wont happen. Lost in my own personal and very well crafted maze to figure out the best way out, into ...

What?

Imagine this: a chick is standing out an unhatched egg... The eggshell is cracking and the chick inside screams let me out!!! The chick outside is looking at it, looks around, and replies that this is out, and could it go back inside...

Confusion...

You want to win?
At what cost? What are you willing to sacrifice to win? How far will you go, and for how long will the victory and its taste get you going? How long before it is boring again, and a new weird scenario needs to be waved to keep you busy?

You want to win?
Its easy... Render your opponents weapons useless, ineffective...
Even if that means your pain and loss...
You will win...
I just don’t know if you will be alive to enjoy the victory...

shadows...

2006-12-05T00:01:00.000Z

Push the limits... Explore the boundaries of your soul. Seek the unknown, explore it, make it familiar, and start again... Always exploring, always trying something different...

More often than not, you end up having more sour than sweet taste...
it grows on you...
There is no going back, but there is always the memory to fall back...

The doors of perception open wide, but to keep them open...

There's a challenge...

Χρειαζομαι Νερο!!!

2006-12-02T15:53:00.000Z

Θαλασσα... Ποτε δεν μπορεις να καταλαβεις ποσο θα σου λειψει μεχρι να την χασεις... Και οταν θα την χασεις, θα καταλαβεις οτι εχεις χασει και την ψυχη σου...

Νοστος...

Τα λεφτα, η χλιδη, η ανεση και η υπερβολη μπορει να αγορασουν για λιγο ενα προχειρο βαρβιτουικο αλλα το κενο ειναι εκει, και δεν γεμιζει με τιποτα...

Float on the water… Relax… Look towards the sea floor... Envision the dive… Drop your heart rate… Breathe…

Leave the surface with calm, fluid movements… Try not to consume any oxygen… Let physics do the work; just travel…

30 long seconds later, the sea floor is visible…

Take a look at the depth meter… Its only 30m deep… At least 10m more to reach the floor…

40 seconds later… You reach the floor… It is cold and dark… Relaxing…

Euphoria… There is no need for oxygen, no need for air…

You have escaped… This is real for all purposes and intentions…

This is as good as it gets…

As good as I remember…

In Reverse Order

2006-12-02T14:11:00.000Z

Weird...

It starts with dreams and determination, hope, ambition...

Then realization strikes, and dreams become a distant driving force. It is at this point that they are changed, baptized as goals...

Then, experience begins to accumulate... Goals become a laugh, especially if achieving them is included in the sentence, determination is now necessity; hope is now routine...

Then time flies, flies away, and suddenly, you are 35 - 40! And you realize that you have given so much up, for what? To do what? For what reason?

And everything comes down, falls on your shoulders and crashes you under a pile of debris and a cloud of dust...

It takes skills to remain standing after that, and balls to rebuild...

Once I thought that I would be willing to do that, always, no matter the problems or the events associated...

As time passed, as pain settled, as I became comfortably numb, I realize that I am no longer willing - and automatically no longer capable - of doing it...

I guess part of growing older is giving up yourself, and becoming something that is dictated from the surrounding environment...

What I cannot figure out is how to make peace with it, how to live with it...

I guess it is one of those controversial things about me...

I cannot accept it; I can only do it...

All was simpler when I behaved as I felt like it and lived my life as I though was best...

Thinking of others must be the hardest thing I have ever undertaken... And I fear that unless I come to terms that I will fail it, I will damage myself even more than I have to date...

Reaching an irreversible point...

Confused

2006-11-26T22:03:00.000Z

Preferences...
Ideas...
Feelings...
Thoughts...
Failures...
Successes...

All are results of choices. I am facing a choice... and I am reluctant to make it - as always in the matter at question!

Too good, too nice to be true... Maybe even too real...

Solitude, so hard to escape it once you embrace it... So hard to be part of relationships again... So difficult to accept people build bridges... And even more difficult to get satisfaction... No, wrong, pleasure is more appropriate...

Once it would have been so much simpler... Once it would have been done by now... Once the issue would be how to get away...

Sad, I get confused. I want to know more, I need to be straight, I need to behave in a ... decent manner ... which means I must be everything that I am not. But there is no point in doing that...

Because it will mean that I have little to no faith in myself...

Maybe that is the case... Or maybe I am getting old....
Or maybe I am off my face and need to get a hold of myself...
Or maybe I need to make up my mind...

Cruising down a slope, full of powder snow, a resort that is closed because of heavy snowfall...
The walk was a trial to say the least... The ride was the dream come true... The end was the trial itself...
I'll never get over it, but I always hope it will be mine again...

Like you are going to be mine...

Unchallenged...

2006-11-25T10:54:00.001Z

I am getting bored... Not having a challenge, mental or physical, its driving me crazy...

Political correctness, processes and procedures. Playing silly mundane games to please a poor performer and trick

him or her to act as you need... Why? The answer is straightforward; because I can do it, and I can do it quite easily...

But I am bored. There is no excitement in my life - not to the level I was used to. And there lies the problem... Is it time to go back, backtrack?

Look up...

The sun is scorching hot, burning your shoulders, the warmth penetrating your mind and your body. Energy and lethargy hitting you together in a confusing bundle...

Look up...

The rock is burning hot... Maybe its too late, maybe you should have gone earlier. But the dive once you are up... Is it worth it?

Yes...

Look up...

You have the first 10 meters of climb mapped. It is doable... Even now, barefoot and untrained, it is still doable... It’s the other 10 meters that present the challenge.

Look up... You are ready, its time to start...

Right hand on the rock... Fuck, it’s hot and rough... Wind, rain and sea have made the rock rough, spiky and sharp... It hurts if you focus on one single point... So much for weight on one point, it has to be distributed evenly... And no swings... After all, you are alone...

5 meters up... Easy climb... So far... But the cuts and nicks are growing, and the rock is getting, well, unreliable... Grips must me tested thoroughly before you put your weight on - fat bastard, you cannot even climb any longer. Ego and stubbornness force a smile on your face; you will get up there and dive!

10 meters... Midway, another 10 to go...

Hmmm... No decision for this point on. Just climb... Just get there...

Idiot... Standstill!

Cannot go up, the rock is weak, no grip available, no place to out pressure on and pull up... No way to go back, no way to climb down... Standstill...

Relax... Look around... Fuck... No way to dive from here... That big pointy rock waiting underneath looks painful...

And then it happens...

You look at your hand with disbelief holding the piece of rock that used to be part of the larger picture, while gravity takes care of the rest! And then you remember the pointy rock... And your actions are...accurate and fast... Spin, face the water, push away with your feet against the wall - pain, but it is far less than the one waiting for you down at ground zero...warmth, blood running down your leg - all you need to do is just dive a bit further from the pointy painful rock...

Water comes to wash away all fears... Success...

Now, to do it from the top... Again, and again and again and again, until no bone or muscle can support failure or unit you succeed...

(antipaxoi, 2005)

***

2006-10-03T14:35:00.000+01:00

Success story… Material for a movie, and a book and then some… But all is worthless, unless you have someone to share them with. Or have someone recording…
Is reality as harsh as I always perceived it?
If yes, well, what’s new?
If no?
Then what?
How can anything be justified then?
How can there be a justification for all the things abandoned?
……
Everything happens for a reason, correct? And although we tend not to agree, there is an answer to every question. The fact that we may be unable to find the answer, or simply do not like it, is irrelevant. The answers are there…
Reach out and grab them…
Images…
An image is a thousand words they say…
An image from the past is a thousand words and a million thoughts…
…
I need to do some house cleaning…
As someone very dear to me once said, I am filled with ghosts and I obviously need to get rid of them…
Now is as good as ever to do so…

So long, and thanks for all the fishes!!!
(D. Adams, Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy)

Thinking

2006-09-28T12:27:00.000+01:00

Darkness...
7th floor...
Trains go back and forth all the time...
People scream, people shout...
Somewhere in the background, you can hear a police car chasing someone. They are angry...
You can almost feel it...
Its in the air, its in the atmosphere...

You are scared... You need to escape this maze that you've put yourself in, but you cannot...
You are too stubborn to do so, and too stubborn to ask for help...
This will be your doom, your downfall...

You lay on a bed...It still smells new... You take a look out of the window... You admire the view... And you cry...

There is nothing out there for you...
There is nothing in here for you...
There is nothing...

But then a smile magically appears on your face...
No hope, no dreams, no nightmares, no thought can take that away... It is a smile generated from the depth of you... From the core of your being and existence...

You feel better... You have made it through another day...

The fear though is still there, and it will always be. When will it strike? How will it come this time? Will I be able to cope with it?
When will I stop self-destructing myself?

Do I really want this?

Why...
Why!!!
Why???
why

Sorrow

2006-09-21T08:08:00.000+01:00

Dreams...
Ambitions...
Goals...
Visions...

All in vain, if you have no one to share them with...
A wonder of life when one can find another to share, with no cost and no sacrifice in these...

But what if... What if there isn't anyone? What if there is always a trade off required to keep someone around? A trade off from the fore mentioned things?

And what if you’ve been living your life, breathing and acting with all you’ve got to achieve those? How can you give everything up for something so feeble, so uncertain and uncontrolled?

How can you give up the driving force that got you this far, and become something that others can live with, but not yourself? And all for the fear of ending up alone… In the end, you will only live and make peace with yourself, and no one else…

It leads to one conclusion and one conclusion only…

This wonder is not for everyone… There are some – few – who simply cannot do it, no matter the effort or the desire. These will need to make peace with the fact, and embrace solitude…

Most will think that this is pessimistic and to a large extend a way of giving up with grace, but those who know will understand…

One can be amongst millions, all knowing each other but still they will be strangers and he/she will be alone…

So be it… Some things you need to live with, because simply you can not do any better…

After all, the only ones who know best are ourselves…

Solitude is not a pleasant emotion nor should it be something that people go after, but when it comes, all you can do is embrace it, and live forever with it from then on… It is the only one that will never abandon you, in good and bad times, no matter how much you put the effort…

Adios

Little know it all...

2006-08-25T14:54:00.000+01:00

I guess this is something that everyone who knows me, or has crossed paths with me has thought (and the brave and true have also said) for me.

How true they are...

Some people have a dream of becoming doctors, others lawyers. Most have something very set, clearly defined, while others always struggle - throughout their entire life! unthinkable! - to find what is it they want.

What can you say? Nothing...

What can you do? Be patient, I guess... Or sympathetic... Or pretend that you understand... Or lie to them (and yourself!) that it is ok not being able to do so; it is ok not to have a dream, a goal... Either would do.

Or, simply tell the truth. But no! We've been through this so many times. We don't do truth nowadays. It is not polite, politically correct, or acceptable to say the truth! People may get hurt, or even worse, they might actually realise what is wrong! Going back though...

What can you do about a dream that is to have all your dreams, passions, whims and stupid, idiotic, rational, irrational thoughts and urges, etc realised!? What can you do about a dream that entailed having personal experience of nothing and everything? How can you make that come true? And in the unlikely event that it does come true (because you spend so much time, effort and blood! to make it so), how do you go about interacting with the surrounding environment?

Try and try as you may, it will never be right, it will never be enough and it will never be acceptable. So why try after a while? Why not simply accept the fact? And the fact is that if anyone achieves that dream, they will either have to find a couple of other likeminded individuals (seriously doubt that this is likely to happen, but I know it is not impossible...) to share it with, and by definition expand it, or accept their wisdom and experience and live in isolation or forfeit it (I don't believe it's possible, but never hurts to try, even for a while) and pretend that everybody are the same. Yes, you could do that...

I'd take option two if I ever had to choose... But since I am not anywhere near that, I shouldn't really be talking, should I?

Self-imposed

2006-05-07T10:42:00.000+01:00

...I am scared...
I reach out with all my senses and put as much effort as possible... I try to feel something... I try to show a calm and approachable side... And it is when I think I have succeeded that I have failed miserably...

Solitude...
A self-imposed prison, that I have struggled for so long to get rid off....
Only to find out that with each and every single one attempt that failed, I got drawn in even deeper...

Change of plans...
If I cannot escape it, then I might as well put some effort in it to make it a golden cage...

One I will never have to share, simply because no matter how nice a prison looks and feels, it is always a prison, and it is never wanted even when offered...

If this doesn't qualify for self-punishment, then I don't know what does...

Now, if only I could find out for how long I need to administer it...

No labels

2006-04-14T17:43:00.000+01:00

No definitions... No categories...
Simple ramblings, small thoughts, major questions...

I keep ignoring my feelings, and lately I realized they will not always be there fore me...
I look around and people are looking back in cold, empty faces, and I realized that mine has been like that ever since I can remember. Yet all this time, I demanded and wandered why...

It is quite obvious now... And it completely falls under a simple, so many times stated and practiced statement... Treat as you are treated...

No one can escape that... No one can out smart that, even if they want.

apologize? Regret? Try to make things better? Try to go back and explain or change?

No!

Simply accept, embrace and move on, acting always to the best of your knowledge...

Unfortunately, I could never forget and let go... I could only do it...

I still haven't moved on, although you are so far behind.

I still haven't let go although you are so long gone.

Will I ever?
I don't know.

Will I ever put effort in it?
Never, but constantly.

Will I keep on self-destroying myself as the most fit punishment.
Yes, but I don't want to.

Will I ever truly know what I want?
Yes, everything and nothing.

Black and white... Jumping from one to the other, always trying not to step in the grey...

...behind a wall...

2006-02-16T15:03:00.000Z

You are standing infront of a massive wall. Its height and width extend as far as your eye can see. Unfortunately, the wall is not solid, nor transparent. It shifts. At times you are able to see through it, other times you are able to see a blur, definite that you see through, but what you are looking at is a big question. But mostly the wall is solid. So, after a while, although you have so much to do, other alternatives, you return to the wall. Undecided whether you want to experience what is on the other side. Unsure whether you want the wall down. Scared of the responsibility and the consequences. But all this time, you keep coming back to the wall. Why?

Is it to see if the wall is still up? Unharmed and solid? Perhaps to reassure that noone succeeded where you failed? Or worse... Make sure noone succeeded? Calm and sooth the fear and the uncertainty?

Or maybe to give it another shot in breaking through, or finding a crack, or a door to go through with a newly acquired knowledge?

Or to make sure that no cracks have formed? No weak spots? No possible points of entry or leek?

Whichever, mentioned or not, there is always a reason why we stand infront of such walls. There is always a reason. There is always a motive. There is always hope or despair. As a personal opinion, I always found it more useful to have a reason or a purpose, otherwise you will look back and consider all the time spent there as wasted.

But the real issue is this. On one occasion the wall breaks. There are cracks formed. Water is coming through... The cracks are getting larger and larger... It is a matter of time before the wall is shattered to peaces... And then you know... You have to choose. There is no right or wrong decision. There is no good or bad decision. There is only one. Which one?

The one you can live with...
The one that you can bear with. The one you can look yourself in the mirror, all alone, and smile back. The one that is most probably the harder to take and follow...

And you take it, far before the wall shatters. And you re-think it. You assess. You weight it. You wander. What if? Maybe that... Or should I? What if I don't like it? What if I was wrong?

And before you know it, the wall is down...

And at that point, you realize that the wall would never break if you weren't standing there all this time, secretly wishing that it did so, only because you wanted to find out what's on the other side. Nothing would have happened if you didn't want it to...

And it's that with which you must live with... This was your choice and action. Maybe not all befalls you, but you have responsibility. Learn to accept it and to deal with it before it is too late... The wall can be built again. You can't. Learn from your mistakes and move ahead...

...value...

2006-02-01T21:48:00.000Z

Interesting first month... Full... Fulfilling... Intense...
I missed that... I missed the ability to say that I am feeling good. And not lie while saying it. I missed feeling challenged. I missed having the feeling that after all, you do have choices and if you make them carefully, or rather wisely - one doesn't necessary require the other - you can make a difference and you can make your life better. I never gave up, but I did seriously doubted whether I would ever truly feel that way.

Recently though, I was proven right to. Not in any direct or spectacular way, but still, for my needs and for my understanding it was good enough. I was called so many things the last ten days that I can barely remember half of them to mention. So I will not. Suffice to say that one was a dead rat, and the other a selfish, obnoxious bastard. Both of them true. You know why I was called those names? And most importantly, why I didn't get pissed off? A. Because I told the truth. Well, actually not the truth, but my opinion, which was more sincere and true than either could handle. B. They are true, and there is absolutely no reason to get pissed off when people tell you the truth in your face.

And for that I got rewarded... Greatly... And I was reassured that having no faith in the human species and in humans was the wisest choice I have ever made. And I will stick to it.

True... For some I do hold Pandora's box, and I do open it and close it to my convenience. If it bothers people so much, all they have to do is ask for it, and I will gladly give it. But you see, no one really wants it. No one wants to take responsibility for it and face the remote event that someone from somewhere may hold him responsible for something. So, I keep it...

And I will continue to use it as I see fit...

...personal mazes and puzzles

2006-01-16T14:22:00.000Z

Its around 22:00... The streets are dark and empty... The occasional car passes by, but that's it... A 1 mile walk becomes so quiet, that ur mind drifts apart... As soon as you make that last turn and you reach the bridge near the river, you cannot help it... There it is again... This itch, that someone is there, near, watching, waiting for you to lower your guard and jump you... You make awkward moves, twitching and stretching, as if preparing but also trying to intimidate! Deep in your mind, something screams at the top of its lungs that what you are doing is ridiculous... There is noone there, noone after you, and even if they were, what you do is stupid and useless... If you are so very positive that it is true, RUN!!! But somehow the voice is lost, suppressed to a whisper...

You continue your walk, un-hindered from any inhibition or fear... If it's meant to happen, it will happen and you are ready to deal with it... If not, well another peaceful walk got fucked up due to your paranoia... As you walk and you reach the highway, you turn towards the bridge, and cross it...

And there they are! Wait, wrong, they can't be them! They were supposed to be stalking you, not walking ahead of you.. You take a closer look... They are two boys, around 16... Chubby, worried, and they smell fear... You keep your pace unaltered... They are about 80 away... You see them glancing back, picking up the pace and talking to each other, in that all-familiar way... The way you use to plan action... And somehow you know what's coming. They are thinking that you are after them, after their precious something that they carry - a new mobile, a couple of eights to get through the week, something precious for the age of sweet 16... You know because you've done it... And you choose to press on. Not force anything, nor act in any other way than you would have if they were not there... Further down the bridge comes to an en, in a Y junction...

Luck will only decide... You are going right... If they do to, prepare for a fight. If they go left, then there is nothing to worry about. They literally run and break left. That is it... But as you go on your way, the earlier eerie feeling returns.... You are restless... You must satisfy that feeling...

Old...

2006-01-07T22:46:00.000Z

Rarely have I been confronted...and when it happened, I never stepped back! Until now that is... It doesn't matter why there was a confrontation - suffice to say that it was a very trivial subject - but it matters with whom I had it. Someone very dear to me; one who has on more than one occasion acted as a role model to me. Although most of those who have had the pleasure (or misfortune!) of meeting him were scared, I never had that experience. Not to the extend of never talking back! Sure, that had as a result the occasional beating, but still, my mind, my option, my opinion! I have the right to do whatever I want, and suffer the consequences... But this time... This time I was disappointed!

So? Is disappointment a reason for keeping quiet? Or was it feeling sorry for what took place in my mind that stayed my tongue from lashing out? Which ever the case, it left me a sour taste in my mouth... And the realization of growing up... And all the burdens and consequences that this brings along!!!

And I felt ... late ...
Oh so late! So many things to do, so little time to do them, and even less resources to do so!!!

All in less than a split of a ...

2006-01-06T21:31:00.000Z

Thoughts darting from subject to subject... Following paths and ways that were unknown and on more than one occasion unimaginable... The rocking of the tube and the constant change of people and images was helping to further isolate from the alleged reality and draw back inside with an ever grater intensity... Maybe in the past this was a problem, a serious deficiency, one which didn't allow for concentration. But when there is nothing to concentrate on, or there is nothing to keep focused on for any reason that you yourself want, then why not dive into what remained unknown?

Appearing as lost, having glassy eyes, shiny but empty, offering no expression, no feelings; in the constant fear of giving away your thoughts, and as a result being mocked for them, or even worse mock the thoughts. There was always a choice there, but the easy one - giving away so easy - was no fun. It never occurred that people would be eventually scared... Nor that they wouldn't put the effort to look through...

Thoughts dart in any direction... How to break one's mind in so many pieces, maintain control over them, understand what they see, feel, smell, hear and at he same time appear sane and coherent? How can you do it?

Yet another second went by, wasted, like so many others before it - and so many more after it...

Is it futile? Is it in vain? Is it just a game?
This is mine, I'll have to change here...

Relax, its all a dream...

2005-11-18T23:02:00.000Z

...Think of the Pink Panther... Remember the music of H. Mancini, and take some time to see things through the eyes of the mischieving feline...Dont you feel relaxed? I had really missed that feeling...Until yesterday... Yesterday I felt relaxed. Completely. To the point of indifference. And I enjoyed it. Competition is about to begin. All the fun at last; dreams and hopes - as well as excuses and safety nets - have been removed. The warm up period is over. 1st row of lights turn red...You had 15 seconds to empty your mind of any thoughts, by running through them again. 2nd row turns red...Its all laid ahead now...Track memorized, movements calculated, everything planned to the last minor detail...5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Its done... All you have now is a plan! If you follow the plan, it should bring you to your win...

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...Go! And everything you held by then is now left behind...Unreachable until you complete a full circle. The void and the sense of falling in it lasts for a very short while...Then forces are applied, and you feel a slight but increasing stretch - while you experience a linear reduction of the speed of moving. And for a flash you see clearly...Then the water hits you, and suddenly you feel a yank, sending you back up where you came from...And thats where all the fun is! You know whats coming...You anticipate it, and you know what to do to enjoy it the most...Deep back in your mind, a funny voice says that if you stretch enough or if you had jumped further away, then maybe now you could reach up, thus immediately repeat it, in order to avoid any mistakes you did in the first place. That would be something to achieve!!! And down we go again...But for every circle done, the forces lose in intensity, and the thrill is over...Then it is a matter of procedure...Thats it, end of story...If you liked it that much, go through it again...I do...

Ατυχία, Αδικία, Η Μοίρα, Δικαιοσύνη

2005-09-09T08:42:00.000+01:00

H “Κατρίνα” έφυγε… Πίσω της άφησε τόση ζημιά και πόνο – σχεδόν όση άφησε ο ηγέτης των Ηνωμένων Πολιτειών της Αμερικής το τελευταίο εξάμηνο!... Και το κυριότερο; Σε μια χώρα που θεωρείται ως η μόνη εναπομένουσα υπερδύναμη, με υιοθετημένο ρόλο αυτό του Μεγάλου Αδελφού του πλανήτη μας και της κοινωνίας μας… Το μόνο πρόβλημα; Η καταστροφή χτύπησε σε μια πολιτεία που είχε πολύ μικρή ανάμιξη με τα γεγονότα… Ατυχία…

Όμως κάποια στιγμή - και χωρίς να μπορούν να κατηγορήσουν και να κρυφτούν από πίσω από κάποια άκυρη δικαιολογία τα υψηλόβαθμα στελέχη της κυβέρνησης του Κρετίνου - έπρεπε να βιώσουν αυτό που απλόχερα και απροκάλυπτα προσφέρουν τόσο καιρό. Έπρεπε κάποιοι, έστω και αυτοί που είναι εντελώς αθώοι, να νιώσουν αυτό που νιώθει – και έχει νιώσει χωρίς λόγο και αιτία κατά καιρούς το μεγαλύτερο τμήμα το πλανήτη, και σίγουρα κάθε ήπειρος, με την ευγενική χορηγία των Η.Π.Α. – τόσο καιρό ο/η Βόσνιός/α, ο/η Ιρακινός/ή, ο/η Αφγανός/ή. Να νιώσουν τον πόνο της απώλειας, του βιασμού, της καταπάτησης και της εξαπάτησης. Το αίσθημα της αδικίας και του γαμώτο… Αδικία…

Παρόλα αυτά όμως, είναι κρίμα που αυτό συνέβηκε σε μια από τις φτωχότερες και πιο υποβαθμισμένες πολιτείες των Η.Π.Α., που κατά καιρούς έχει πέσει τέτοιο θύμα ρατσισμού και κακοποίησης που θα έπρεπε να είχε ήδη επαναστατήσει… Κρίμα, γιατί η Ν. Ορλεάνη ήταν - και πιστεύω ακράδαντα ότι θα ξαναγίνει, γιατί πλέον έχει ερέθισμα - κοιτίδα πολιτισμού και ιδίως μουσικού. Δεν θα έπρεπε να υποφέρουν άνθρωποι που το μόνο τους λάθος είναι ότι δεν επαναστατήσανε – και γιατί άλλωστε; Ποιος θα το μάθαινε και ποιος θα έκανε κάτι για αυτό; Στο κάτω κάτω της γραφής, είναι απλά μαύροι θα σκεφτόταν ο Κρετίνος όταν θα έδινε την εντολή να επιτεθεί η αγαπημένη του παράταξη αποτελούμενη από παραδοσιακούς και φανατικούς rednecks KKK. Όμως ήταν αναπόφευκτο και με μαθηματική ακρίβεια αναμενόμενο… Σε κάθε περίπτωση, αυτός που υποφέρει τις συνέπειες σε κάθε πράξη – όποια και να είναι αυτή – είναι ο λιγότερο ισχυρός και ο αθώος. Είναι λοιπόν υπέρ της παγκόσμιας κοινότητας ο τρόπος με τον οποίο ξεμπροστιάστηκε η υπερδύναμη… Αυτό που σε μια ελεύθερη μετάφραση από δηλώσεις τυπικών αμερικανών στα Ελληνικά θα μπορούσε να αποδοθεί ως πιάστηκαν με τα παντελόνια κάτω… Ανίκανοι και ανήμποροι να ανταποκρηθούν…Εύγε στις ηγεσίες που αρνήθηκαν να βοηθήσουν και ακόμα μεγαλύτερο εύγε στις χώρες που έσπευσαν να βοηθήσουν, παραθέτοντας και μια δάκτυλο ειρωνείας σε αυτό το κράτος της εξαπάτησης… Η μοίρα έχει περίεργους τρόπους να εκδηλώνεται, και πολύ επιτυχημένο χρονικό πλαίσιο… Η Μοίρα…

Πάνω από όλα όμως, εμένα προσωπικά μου δίνει μια αίσθηση δικαίωσης – η εκδικητική φύση βλέπετε… Και μια αίσθηση δικαιοσύνης, με μεγάλη αίσθηση του χιούμορ – Άντε Κρετίνε, κήρυξε πόλεμο και στη φύση ξανά... Να δούμε αν θα τα βάλεις με την θάλασσα και τον αέρα ποιος θα κερδίσει… Βλέπετε, η φύση που τόσο έχει υποφέρει την τελευταία 20ετία από την αμερικανική βιομηχανία και τους πολέμους της – γιατί μη φανταστείτε πως αυτά τα σκέφτηκε και τα αποφάσισε από μόνος του ο κάθε πρόεδρος, οι θεωρίες που γελάμε μαζί τους ίσως και να είναι αληθινές, αναλογιστείτε το λίγο! – αποφάσισε να κηρύξει και αυτή με τη σειρά της πόλεμο, όμως θα είναι ολοκληρωτικός εναντίον του είδους μας… Και θα αποδώσει τα δέοντα… Νομίζω πως κάπου το έχω ξαναδεί αυτό το σενάριο… Χμμμμμ… Θυμηθείτε ένα είδος… Το λέγανε δεινόσαυρους, και ο ηγέτης τους θεωρούταν ο Tyrannosaurus Rex. Το μέγεθος του εγκεφάλου του ήταν όσο ένα καρύδι… Το μέγεθος του εγκεφάλου του Κρετίνου είναι ανάλογα μικρό και σίγουρα πιο αναποτελεσματικό… Ελπίζω με αυτό να μάθανε τουλάχιστον ότι τα πράγματα δεν είναι όπως τους τα ταΐζουν… Δικαιοσύνη!!!

Greek Mentality

2005-09-02T07:51:00.000+01:00

The latest trend in Greece is discussions about the fact that there is no development, or rather evolution, in the field of competition. As Greeks, we remain static and stoically suffer the consequences, while in the same time we admire any single individual or company who manages to succeed in any venture they attempt. What is annoying in the previous statement is the fact that very few Greeks realize the effort invested and the risks taken for any venture to succeed – be that the attempt of an already established organization or the new, fresh, untested idea of a single individual. In my opinion, there can be no motion in the market - either foreign or local - if the necessary mentality to support it doesn’t exist or isn’t cultivated. And how can one expect from Greeks to advance when they are not ready to invest, risk, or sacrifice anything in the attempt to achieve anything? And how can one expect that from any Greek, when the society they live in forces them to behave so conservative and risk-free that their only dream is to become an employee of the state and achieve permanent employment, even if that means lesser revenues for the rest of their life, even though they may worth more.

In such mentality, which exists for at least 60 years now and which is so firmly established in the minds of the youth, it is inevitable to face stagnation. It is inescapable the fact that very few organizations with available capital will take the (high) risk to invest in Greece when they know in advance that there will be no workforce available to work with or no mentality to back up the effort. And we still haven’t reached the government side (the all-to-blame factor in Greece for better or worse). Getting there is devastating. Any attempt to analyze the state functions (red tape, normal bureaucracy, funding, tax system, corruption, etc.) is almost tear-breaking. And I state almost, because there are some very few, minuscule areas where due to the high level of knowledge required and the high level of technological expertise needed, the usual suspects have been resentful to get active and apply their usual channels of operation, thus allowing correct functions.

But for how long? How much more can we take? As individuals, as state, as families, as organizations, as visitors, as tourists? How much more pray tell, because my opinion is that we will get fucked, buried, resurrected, get fucked again and buried before we realize what we suffer...

Nostalgia

2005-09-02T07:49:00.000+01:00

Returning in my past is an activity that I never indulged… However, lately it has become a part of my daily activities. I run into events, people, situations and places that I have struggled for a year now to overcome. Faces I have never seen before talk to me and tell me stories about me, which 9 out of 10 times are lies, only to realize what they have done and start approaching things in a different angle. Have I changed so much? Have I been so wrong in my estimations that I irreversibly destroyed my one and only chance for happiness? I re-evaluate things over and over and over again, and it always comes back to the same conclusion: I was not wrong then, and I am not wrong now, and I strongly believe that it will not be wrong in the future…

I recently read the book Imajica written by Clyve Barker. Somewhere between the lines it said that when people become nostalgic about something they become bitter and behave badly to those around them. And it clicked… Have I become nostalgic? Have I become bitter and resentful because I miss a time long forgotten? I wouldn’t dare say yes because then I would be following the easy way out. Simply stating that I miss something from my past doesn’t give me the right to hide behind cheap and ineffective excuses. It is easy to stand and say how things could be better, and how things were better once upon a time, while at the same time all I would be doing would be to remain as I was once.

I oppose and despise me for even thinking about it for a fraction of my time, for spending a miniscule part of time… And I loath every single one out there that pretends to agree with me, or think that all these crap I am writing are correct, when at the next minute, upon called to act on his/her word chickens out. I can deal with people not agreeing with me, I can understand those that think that what I am saying is absolutely insane and wrong, but I simply cannot understand those who pretend. They IRRITATE me… And I become hostile…

So, in summation, the issue of nostalgia is a vast area where people can find comfort, excuses, grips for advancement, grips for stagnation, and in general hide or confront. It should not be used, in my opinion, for excuses though… It is bad enough that people find excuses in every other part of their daily activities, the least they can do is leave this one intact… After all what do you think you do when you dream?

Nothing more than allowing your mind, the subconscious part of it that is – the one you do not control and still functions… - to travel, to remind you how things could be if we would only allow them to act freely and not as we are told… Try it; you will maintain that wonderful feeling even after the dream has stopped. And that is something we have all long forgotten…

One-two One-two

2005-09-02T07:47:00.000+01:00

One two, one two… Reality check, reality check… Copy one, copy two… Can we make contact? We still don’t have contact? What the f…. is wrong with you?

This should be the conversation that should be taking place in my head… Well, you are right… I am a fucking psycho, and I am hopeless… Here I am, fulfilling basic personal demands with little to no effort, and I complain that things are not competitive enough, or that I don’t get to do things my way, which so happens to be the best but who gives a fuck! ;), while in the same time global markets and trends are going down a path that will lead to oligopoly from international giants resulting thus to an ever greater depression and stagnation for those that are not part of them… And instead of looking over my own ass and my own future, I waste my time and effort over making things better…

Why? For the slim chance that someone will re-evaluate his fat salary of approximately 150.000 whatever per year and reduce it to 120.000 per year so others can live as well with their essential needs taken care of… Bollocks… It isn’t going to happen… I don’t think I do it any more either… I mean things are so bad that I wander I still make it…

So my wake up call should have reached me by now, and should have made things better… I slowly begin to grasp the real meaning of career… Do nothing, do not be competitive or creative, be patient and punctual, do not talk back or dream for something that you may deserve, and in time-no one knows how much time you will be rewarded as they seem fit… Do that for more than 15 or 20 years, and you may even become a millionaire… Go against it, and you will definitely end up as a comical figure, with people constantly reminding you the potentials you had and how you threw everything away…

I’m fed up with statements as such… For once I would like to see someone proving his statements when he/she is asked to… DO NOT SAY THINGS YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO DO… Except from the frustration that you cause to the others, the least that you can be characterized after that is RIDICULOUS and untrustworthy… Of course the fact that this exactly what you are has nothing to do with this statement, because we already knew that… But for once, just for once…prove the general mind wrong…

Crossroads, junctions, dead ends, wrong taken turns, backtracks…

2005-09-02T07:43:00.000+01:00

Life staining events, leaving a mark on our souls, on our minds, on our existence. How often do we take time to ponder which events are these? How often do we sit down and identify our good and bad times, and then make mental notes to earn from them?

When you feel really good, when you experience all those feelings of pleasure and joy, do you take a second and think what has just happened to cause all these? Or do you just cherish the moment until its gone, with no real way to bring it back, re-occurring only by mistake? Most will claim that this is a very simple way that people who cannot really enjoy themselves and the moment, and cannot really let go use to hide. I, on the other hand think that this is a way of living. Just as it is impossible for some to analyze anything or everything and hence prefer to hide behind unclear and unsuccessfully vague answers and circumstances; it is impossible for me to leave something without processing it. True, there have been times that I have lost it completely, and as a result, I did not enjoy. But in most cases I combined both very successfully. The issue then is not whether it can be done or not, nor if it will be successful or unsuccessful, but rather whether it is something that is avoided due to lack of ability or due to its high difficulty and to the huge amounts of mental resources it occupies…???!!! (As if…)

Why is it that people hate thinking? Is it because it brings them face to face with reality, naked of any covers and layers that distort it? Is it because they have to realize that the path they have chosen is not the only one? Nor the best either? Or is it because they simply cannot do it? I was having a discussion yesterday night with a friend of mine, very successful, operating in music industry – mainly selling musical instruments and amplifiers. He was complaining that he cannot get himself some decent help around his store. Being me, I couldn’t hold back, so I asked a couple o questions just to get us started. Nothing more than the salary he was willing to pay, and the working hours. He offers approximately € 750 to 850 for 50 hours work per week, not to mention overtime, which is almost never paid, and the fact that you work Sat. as well. So asked what are the incentives for an employ to come. Does (s)he get a bonus on sales, or future perspective, or something? He looked at me as if I was the greatest enemy that ever existed on Earth, as if I am out to get his food… I then asked whether he has ever went through the process of planning a forecast or an annual budget, so he could then see where he stands from year to year, and control his activities better. I assure you that it will be a long time before he speaks with me again.

Simply mentioning this thing to him made him angry. Upon elaborating on my ideas, he changed his mind, and changed his statements as well; now what I was saying was right, but unattainable in Greece, and if some where to do it, they would be very large corporations. No wander he grew pale when I asked what are his plans for the future...

So there we go again… Willing to take over the whole world just to prove a point, and for no other reason… Fuck that… I am going to camp in an isolated island somewhere in the Greek seas and get lost for twenty days… All of us will have a far better time without me around…

Dazed...

2005-07-28T08:58:00.000+01:00

Have you ever had acid? LSD? Mescaline? Any hallucinogenic substance? Or maybe Special K in an excess?
If you have then you may have experienced the feeling I am about to describe... If not, don't worry, you already know the thing, only you didn't have it on purpose...
Imagine you are immobile and trapped in jelly. You look things distorted, colored and slow, and worse of all is that although your mind is working, it does so in rates that your body cannot cope with. As a result you start having a feeling of helplessness, you start realizing that you are unable to act, and even if you do, you will be really late, without any result. The time it takes until feelings as such overcome you and take over varies significantly from individual to individual and from instance to instance, but the fact is that they come. What also varies is the fact that some never succumb to them. They manage to overcome the attacks, maintain balance and reach untouched to the later stage, where pleasure takes over, when perception looses its grasp of reality and it moves to another level. The good thing is that most people have these feelings by choice, they wanted to experience such a mental state, which means that they have a choice and a level of control over it.

But what happens if you have the same experience without using such substances? What happens if you are so different in comparison to the rest of the environment that you feel this way day in and day out? Do you keep on fighting - because you know that no matter what you do, you will always feel this way - or do you fool and trick yourself into believing that there might be a point that if you give in long enough, you will forget...you will become part of it and thus treat it as reality..? Using substances, you know that when you stop, it goes away. But if it is reality what can you do?

Look around...It cannot be happening...Ok, we all love technology, we all agree that we should not live in the past...we need to move on, we need to evolve, we need to change...BUT!!! There is a big but there. A but that doesn't say - like most believe - that these thing must not happen. It simply says that before you move on, before you evolve, before you change you must have a firm understanding of the past, of the previous version, of the wrongs and mistakes already made, allowing you to become better, efficient and ultimately improve, not only yourself but also the environment you live in. But this never took place...It was never taught, it was never marketed, it was never funded...

Try the following: go in the middle of a crowded street and stand for about an hour...Observe the people passing by, not looking for something beautiful of ugly, good or bad, right or wrong. Just observe, and then go stand somewhere isolated, and think. Think what is wrong with the picture. Look around. The answer will most probably be there, in a small, empty old store, or in the lad/lass standing in the corner, smiling for no apparent reason - and no, she is not stoned or high or, or, or, or...She is simply smiling...

Compare, become critical, NOT CYNICAL, critical... Improve your manners and your approach and try to act accordingly... You will feel better and you will make a difference, one far more valuable that the difference you make by buying the latest cell phone that you don't know how it works or why it was created in the first place, or by the new shoes that you and Superman wear...

Power of Equality

2005-07-22T08:59:00.000+01:00

Isn't life a miracle?

A bomb goes boom in England, 1000 people die and world war III is rejuvenated. A missile along with a couple of tenths of thousands of US/UK soldiers rape, kill, offend, attack, massacre (and various other justified monstrosities) millions of Arabic people, Iraqis, Afgans and others for years and it is ok...

Lets make the math and create the appropriate equations.
1 US citizen = 10.000 Iraqis or 5.000 Afgans
1 UK citizen = 8.500 Iraqis or 4.678 Afgans or 4.000 Indians or 3.890 Pakistanis
1 EU citizen = 0.5 US/UK citizen = 1 Australian = 4 S. Americans = 100 Africans (average figures) = 10.000 Asians
Please bear in mind that some Europeans have higher value over others. Treat those in the Balkans eg. albanians, serbians, bosnians, bulgarians, greeks etc. as 0.25 to 1
1 Christian = 100.000 Muslims = 1.000.000 Buddhists = 1.500.000 of any other recognized religion (for those that haven't received official certificate for holiness, please address your demand to the Pope or the Patriarch, along with form Holy Crap 105 filled, and a statement of mission and object. Also, it is strongly advised that you submit a SWOT analysis of your "religion"/dogma/heresy explaining why you think you deserve to receive official certificate and how you are better over the competition. Kindly avoid special offers for after death life and any relevant issues, they are considered to be unethical means of competition.)

Could Mrs. J. Bush and T. Blur along with their administrative staff commit suicide? After all, they do what they do for the greater good and world piece - oops, wrong; I meant peace...or not...Im confused... - so suicide will bring things to normal. No one will kill anyone for a while - nation wide - and we will not be looking at each other paying attention not to things of importance but for cables, weird lumps, etc.

Mother fuckers why wont you just die???
Why didnt a parent kill you when you where 8?
If there is a god, or any god, why does she allow white scum to survive and grow up to be THIS?
Please die, please die, please die, please die, please die, please die, please die, please die, please die, please die, please die.... We will gladly bury you in oil which you are all so fond of, and we will not mourn for your loss, and we will honor your memory by never allowing any one like you grow to be bigger that 1m tall...

PLEASE DIE, or at least bomb them... We will not go after you, we will support you!!! REALLY...

MOTHER FUCKERS have the decency to die........

Sorrow

2005-07-15T03:40:00.000+01:00

I mourn for my loss... I could do nothing more to save you, nor did I have the courage to tell you what I should have when I could, because I wanted to believe that it wouldn't get to that, but I was wrong, so wrong... To make amends, even if that means nothing other than an ultimate expression of self pity, I write this, holding all the things that I loved about you and will never find anywhere else. The pain is almost unbearable, but tears took away some of the burden, so I will endure, scared...

You where there, a free spirit for those who knew and understood, intelligent and cunning - idiot and retarded for those that wanted puppets, and the only one that I knew I could turn to if I needed... The only one that would wait for me, and miss me... My love for you was equal to yours for me, so is my dedication... There was never a need for long talks, for a gaze could say everything a thousand words could not... I cannot go further down the road you and I carved... It will never be the same...

I am sorry for all those things I didn't offer you, and for all the promises I didn't keep, and above all for never allowing you to live your own life exactly as you would...

I have failed you, and for that I will never forgive myself, and that is the only punishment I can think suitable for me... I hope that wherever you are you can howl as much as you want, be free and feel no pain...

I will never forget you...
I miss you...

6th sense...

2005-07-13T08:21:00.000+01:00

Eyes darting from one point to another, head tilted, body movement, hair, hands, fingers...
All these betray human behavior. For those who are able to identify, decipher and interpret these signs it is fairly easy to predict, or rather estimate what the person wants... But what the body and mind says, is not always what comes out of the mouth...

In more than one occasion I have been looked at with admiration or hatred, one is very close to the other, simply because I manage to do this. It turns out people are annoyed by it, which of course makes it all the more interesting and enjoyable for me. But I am baffled about one thing... What is the way to go if the verbally expressed opinion is in obvious, direct contrast with the bodily expressed desire?

I have an answer although it is mine to keep, but I am interested to hear opinions...

Awakening of senses

2005-07-13T07:50:00.000+01:00

Seven years ago I woke up and went to sleep...
I hate sleeping...
It is a waste of time - mind you, sleeping, not being in bed! - that can never be brought back...
And all this time I was dreaming...
Nice dreams...
Sweet dreams...
Intense dreams...
Nightmares...
But what about reality?
Have I lost every grasp of it?
Have I lost and forgotten all those that I knew that was real?
I honestly don't know...
But yesterday I remembered that I am alive...
And I found a very good reason to stay alive...
Stay alive in order to win a war, one which will require many battles but if and when victory comes it may worth more than gold...
It is inevitable...
It is irreversible...
Unavoidable...
To the extent that it will become annoying...

Paradox

2005-07-08T07:37:00.000+01:00

Ever felt you are struggling against something for no reason? Ever felt that the universe in unison is against you, opposing your will, battling your dreams and in general places obstacles in every action you feel like taking?
Lately I see it happening more and more around me. I look at people my age and they are zombies. They have no clue for what they want to do with their lives. The only thing they are good at is copying images promoted by a well set up marketing system. And when obstacles hit them, they take no corrective action. They simply behave like wimps and take it stoically. Unbelievable isn't it? Here they are, in their prime, their most productive years and they choose to enter into a system that will offer them nothing and at the same time will drain them of their best elements and they take it, without even fighting back. And when someone tries to do so, they-even though they haven't had any revenue from the particular system-criticize and battle them. I know I am not the most rational individual there is around, and I know I like taking risks-lots of them-but this, this escapes any model I can grasp and accept.

This is similar to suicide, only it doesn't save you from pain and misery, it simply prolongs it. And that I cannot understand. Why would someone accept without even the minimum struggle a system that is functional and profitable only for 1000 individuals out of 6.000.000.000 total population is beyond my understanding. Lately I fall victim of my own inability of understanding. I am in the edge of re-establishing my life and career, and when I take into consideration the fact that the people I am called to work with are those that I cannot understand I take heed; how can I work with them? And more important, how can they trust me, when I cannot tell them something they like? Because this is what is established in our lives. People succeed only when they have the power or ability -you choose- to tell others what they want to hear and not what they actually need. Take marketing firms, especially the creative department. A client starts an account with an ultimate goal, which is either established by the firm or is identified by the firm's management in unison with the marketing firm. The firm is there because it wants to achieve something and in order to do so, it addresses the specialists, those who are supposed to be the best in their field. If that statement is valid, then ponder on this: why when the specialists propose or come up with something the firm changes it to what they deem right? After all, if they knew from the beginning, why did they address the specialist? Why bother?

For one simple reason: power. I buy off the specialist to execute my idea and satisfy my ego that MY idea was better than those of the specialists, and the fact that they materialized it proves it!!!!

Dickhead, if we could have it our way, then you would probably make twice what you make now, and probably would be more respected but no... You have to have it your way...

Well, have it your way then!!! C if I care... Worse case senario is that I'll probably overcharge you to calm, sooth my frustration and disappointment...
Don't you people understand the value of recognition and respect?

The Dark Side of Planet Greece...

2005-06-14T13:30:00.000+01:00

Lately I find myself bothering with politicians and politics. Although this may be an understatement for Greece, the recent events in my life have triggered an interest... You see, I am one of those pathetic, moronic fools who always thought that they didn't have to kiss up, but rather just be good at what they are doing. Growing up in another mentality than Greek can lead to such foolish ideas... Anyway, I still think and hope this is the way, but the recent political warfare going on in Greece made me realize - again - how stupid I am, and how much time I have wasted of my life. Because here we are, living in the verge of poverty, with major issue that of survival - nevermind happiness, that is long gone forgotten - and our government with the opposition are fighting over who is a better fuck and who has the longer dick (or deeper hole in some cases)!!!

And over who's body are they fighting over? Not you you damn fuck, you are the one to blame, with your indifference and stupid mentality of Ωχ, δε βαριέσαι μωρέ, θα πάρω εκείνον τον γνωστό μου να μου κάνει την χάρη or θα πάρω τον/την χχχ που είναι γιός/κόρη του/της ζζζ και θα μου κάνει και καλύτερη τιμή, και θα βγάλω την υποχρέωση στον/στην ψψψ. But have you no respect for the child you so desperately want to have with your idiot girlfriend who is good only when it comes to fuck, sleep, spend or have fun??? Have you no respect for the poor soul who is struggling to maintain a fragment of decency before they lay down and die so you can have that latest cell phone from the 60 cents profit you made by preferring someone you know over someone who can actually do a better job than xxx???

What you don't have is brains... I am getting REALLY angry now, so I better stop before an all seeing eye sees me out of nowhere and REALLY as Greeks say κλάσει τα 'ρχίδια...

Nightmares turn into reality

2005-06-10T06:57:00.000+01:00

I go to sleep...I wake up...I go to work...I return home...I eat...I shower...I watch TV/DVD/play games/read a book...I go to sleep...I wake up...I go to work...I return home...I eat...I shower...I watch TV/DVD/play games/read a book...I go to sleep...
I wake up with a scream escaping from my throat, rushing out my mouth with intensity that I have almost forgot I ever had...Is this my life? Is this my future? And if the answer is - I sell my soul to be otherwise, please bid...- yes, who the fuck decided for me? I cope with reality very hard...I am unable to understand how basic and fundamental needs that we all have are sacrificed so that few that had the opportunity will increase their profit for !% unit...I cry out for you to listen, and yell with me so more will awake and maybe achieve a better place in the future...We are the losers, worse than the previous generation...At least they believed in something, they fought for something however wrong or destructive it was. And they had 1/4 of the resources available to us. And as we grew up, we identified these mistakes...And we commented on them. During our studies and our ignorant youth we made a stand...by watching TV reality shows, not reading to punish them, not being active in politics, not abiding to their rules, whenever we felt fit. Well, this is our doing. Unemployment rates, income per household and poverty level, and so on so forth are near those of the Great Depression somewhere around 19.. (I'll leave this empty so it'll jog your memory...) but who cares!?!? In my homeland it is more important if Paparizou won the Eurovision contest or if Kougias slapped a gay leader, or if X fucked Y while dating Z, and how inappropriate for me to be ignorant of the new life style trend, when at the same time I cannot cover my basic needs and I cannot pay my expenses...Silly me, I though those issues to be a tad more important than the other global issues that will after all make my life better!!!

FUCK OFF!!!

It is not an issue then why we are here now, but it is becoming an issue how to escape this miserable future that is waiting for us with eyes hazed from hunger and poverty, a toothless smile and a stench of decay, surrounded by small children looking like walking skeletons that will be sold to the first bidder...Are you sure we are doing ok? Are you positive that we cannot do anything to escape this awful fate? Are you sure that it is too late to make a difference? Did you ever thought about the real future? Even if you are not a stupid, ignorant rant like me, and you are of the majority that is using their 99% of their brain capabilities, you surely have felt it... Do you really want a world where you have no say over your decisions or your actions? Do you want your children to be born and already be in debt, while at the same time they will never see snow, cows, bears, pandas, dolphins, whales? If the answer is yes, please take a moment of your precious time and try to find your local suicide spot - you'll recognize it from the pile of bodies there - and take a minute to ponder: is it better to shoot myself in the head, in the mouth, or should I let that guy with the suit-looking at me like a raven-to do it for me?

After all, it's not like it is an important decision for you...The important thing is that you look good when it happens, right?

Troubled Times

2005-06-01T18:56:00.000+01:00

These are indeed troubled time...Choose any perspective, the result is the same. Values lost, pleasure gone, authenticity destroyed - eliminated to be more accurate - hope shot in the head! It everyone for their ass now...Sad...Truly...And what is worse is that no one even thinks of doing something about it. We are worthy of what is coming our way 100%. And we will get it 100%. I stand alone because I cannot stand the company of others, or the other way around, I don't really care which way you go, and I ponder on the issues that I deal with daily. You know what is harder to achieve, or even deal with? Forgetting and moving on. But how, and above all why, should I do it? Is there a better prospect ahead? A promise for improvement?

In a society that urges you to get an education, achieve specialization and global mentality only to tell you 6 years later that "Well mate, we are really sorry, but you are not needed, and your knowledge is too much and it cannot be applied" I find it difficult to move on. I find it difficult to go ahead into an era where entertainment is carefully selected, guided and fed to those that are blind, deaf, and dumb to have it. I find it difficult to entertain myself when there is nothing entertaining in my life, only to achieve social acceptance.

I will not do it...
I will stand alone and fight until I either prevail or be overrun by what you want to call life
. . .

Material needs

2005-05-15T15:52:00.000+01:00

When you give something up and you move on, it is wise not to look back... But I think that I have never been wise in my life. So, one year after my 180 degree turn, I look back... And for the first time in my life, I feel the bite of regret and the hint of a doubt. Questions concerning the accuracy of my choice - I always have trouble choosing between the right and what I like - and the future rose in my mind, casted a cloud and settled in it. Leaving me blowing as hard as I can, trying in vain to clarify the scenery and see the path. Alas, I fail to succeed.

I now face the most difficult choice that I will have to make for a long time to come. I must choose between the life that I like and the life I can live. I must choose between complete surrender in routine and compromise with the things that I can have or constantly struggle for a brief moment of glory - to a great expense - and insecurity... It sounds very easy, and the choice should be apparent - the latter of course! But for a reason that I fail to identify, I cannot make the choice.

Nonetheless, all this time has not been in vain... I renewed my faith in my skills and I accepted that when you have something you crave for its opposite. And since I do all things in extremes, then you realize that I now crave things that most don't even want to deal with, not include them in their everyday life. I miss danger... I miss insecurity... I miss intensity... I loath life as it has become. I resent the status quo that we have - yes, we - imposed on our daily life. I resent the fact that I have to be dressed up in a suit in order to do my job, simply because in any other case I will simply be disregarded. And above all I came to resent myself for thinking that it may be time to do so... Time to give in, embrace that status, and thrive in it... I know I can not only survive, but also lead in such an environment... But I want to do so when I choose, not when I am forced to either do it or forever dream... This is not a choice I an wiling to take in favor of me, simply because it has no alternatives...

I am a material person... I believe that material goods are very essential in our lives now, and be that as it may - bad, awful, despicable, etc. - I am miserable without them. And no, I am not referring to shoes or clothes, but things that I really need... A new snowboard for example, or a new snowboard, boots, binders and a 15day vacation on the Alps. Stuff like that... Anyway, I have to go back to my work... Need to make money and enjoy the remnants of my life...

Drained....

2005-03-22T13:29:00.000Z

I' ve been quite busy lately. Busy trying to figure out how the fuck am I going to deal with the things that are coming...with the grim future that waves at me from the corner, knowing that I lack the necessary means to avoid it, and that inevitably I will ram into it...Why must it be so cruel? Why is there a need to satisfy the sadistic nature of it, especially when there is no escape? Where does the need to prolong the inevitable come from? It escapes me, and it baffles me...I must find time and energy to deal with it...Revenge will be mine, one way or another....

Made in the USA !!!

2005-03-11T11:10:00.000Z

Many times in the past I have managed to identify and tag the various exploits of our "fellow", the all-mighty american system. The one that has got me going on and on and on for more than 6 years now is the trick with psychologists. Mind you, not psychiatrists, psychologists. Huge difference. And not all psychologists. I do not include the great people that love children or adults with mental disabilities or special needs - they are truly admirable and should be treated with the utter most respect. I am focusing on those idiots that think that just because they read twenty books with theories stated 50 and 60 years ago and even further back, from great minds that nonetheless lived, studied, and grew up in societies alien to today's set up, they can analyze and explain anything. And when they wash-out, they do not accept their failure, but rather they try to persuade themselves that it was not their fault, the subject was negative!!!

In my studies I conducted two experiments with those people - psychologists in general. I participated in four of their main courses required for their degree, and took four extra just to know better what I am talking about. Since this happened 5 years ago however, and since I do not practice constantly the knowledge accumulated from that period, I will describe what happened when I participated in to some of their researches. There was a certain girl back then whom I was quite fond of, and she did a major in psychology. She asked me then if I would be willing to be her patient, in sessions observed by her senior-project instructor, in order for her to get a degree. This happened before I take any courses, this was the cause... She was supposed to psychoanalyse me, and determine if I was a thrill-seeker, self-destructive, and an adrenaline junkie. Also, she was supposed to prove that I am a sociopath by choice, and not by an upbringing mistake of my parents or a sever hit from society. All these I was not supposed to understand, and I assure you that I didn't know either. In the first couple of sessions, I was asked to describe my activities and justify them!!! As if it would ever be possible to explain to anybody how it feels to fall from a cage suspended 50m above the ground by a telescopic crane attached to an elastic cord. It is an experience that is unique to anyone who will try it... So I stated that. I was then told that I was escaping the question and thus I was trying to avoid an honest answer. So I traded with her, and her professor... I would try to answer all their questions, with the exchange that anything I have done, they would have to try it. Needless to say that this was rejected immediately. As the sessions continued, they established that I was an adrenaline-junky, and a self-destructive individual (something that a blind man can tell about me, just by smelling me!!!), and the interest was so high, that the instructor, along with the psychology club in unison participated in all the sessions. I was getting bored. They were getting nowhere, and instead of realizing this, they tried to persuade me that it was my fault. That I was too defensive to them, that I did not allow them to explore me!!!

What the fuck?!?! What was I supposed to do? Drop my pants and get fucked so that they could prove a point that was not there? So that their precious Freud could be proven right? That after all, I did everything because I wanted to fuck my mom? Or the notorious Lacan theorem, that I rejected society simply because I wanted to be different and I couldn't find any other way?

In the long run I realized that it was a simple game, constructed only for the americans, and no other nation in the world. Psychologists are useless when you have a friend, or a familly. All they do is listen to you, charge you for it, and throw a piece of advice in the end. The worse part is that what they say you can always get from a friend, and hell all you got to do is buy him a beer, or not even!